Almost two decades had passed since I last saw Leroy. So when we finally met to catch up no topic was off limits. We spoke about all kinds of things. Our conversation eventually steered itself towards the subject of perception and how it informs our beliefs and actions. I told Leroy about an experience a mutual friend of ours, Norman, had. 

Norman lost the charging cable belonging to his so - called smart phone’s external power-pack. (Actually, carelessness on his part caused him to lose it; but that is a totally different story). The standard phone cable wasn't compatible. Norman could have easily taken off the external power-pack and relied solely on the built in battery. But as most, if not, everyone knows, so-called “smart phones” suck power. And the way Norman used his device, he definitely needed additional power.

Norman searched the website of the power-pack's manufacturer, with the hope of finding a replacement cable that he could purchase. He found it; but it wasn’t cheap. Price, however, wasn’t a concern. The time it took to receive the accessory, if purchased directly from the manufacturer’s website, was of concern. For it would take up to several days. Norman needed*a cord, and he wanted* it fast. Relieving his inconvenience was priority. What to do? 

It was a bold move, but Norman went back to the store where he originally purchased the phone and power-pack, thinking the accessory just might be available. That’s where things got interesting, to say the least.

“Contact the power-pack’s manufacturer. They’ll send you a replacement - at ‘no charge,’” the sales rep told Norman. This rep is absolutely wrong, Norman thought. He was sure of this. I asked Norman what made him think the sales rep's statement was incorrect. “You break you pay,” Norman told me. What Norman really meant was that no company is going to give away something when the customer is at fault for a product’s loss or damage. Norman also saw the replacement cable being advertised for sale (not free) on the manufacturer’s website. This further fortified his belief. So he was ready to pay. Every attempt to correct what the sales rep said only created increased friction between them. Each took a firm position, standing by what they said – and rightfully believed.

But somebody had to “blink,” so to speak, sooner or later. Norman did. Why? It was useless holding this stalemate. Besides, the salesperson’s conviction intrigued Norman. But most of all Norman wanted to prove the salesperson wrong. So he went to a nearby coffee shop and placed a call to the power-pack manufacturer’s customer service department.

Surprise…the salesperson was right! “How?” Norman thought. Why advertise something for sale when a call can get you the same product – at no charge?... Questions bombarded Norman’s mind. But he never bothered finding the answers. Getting a replacement charge cord was more important. But time was the only trade-off. That was fine though. Obtaining the cord by any means was important. 

Here’s the interesting thing: Leroy and I met again several days later and he tells me about his recent coffee and muffin experience:... Getting a cup of coffee and a whole-wheat muffin from his favorite coffee cart was Leroy’s morning routine while heading to work.

One morning, while standing in line, waiting his turn to be served, Leroy noticed that the coffee-cart’s pastry showcase was almost empty. He didn't see his favorite pastry on display either. Everything must already have been sold before he arrived, Leroy thought, which was a surprise to him. For this had never happened before. But there’s a first time for everything he thought. So Leroy just ordered coffee and went on his way. 

Leroy then said the story I told him about Norman’s charge cord experience flashed into his mind, causing him to stop, turn around and ask the coffee cart's server if he had any whole-wheat muffins. Yes! The coffee cart's server had them. But a sudden rush of customers demanding coffee delayed him from re-stocking the display case before Leroy arrived.

These are two different stories and experiences; yet, a theme connects them. Norman, accepting responsibility for losing his charge cord, and seeing it advertised for a price meant he was expected to pay for the replacement cord. Makes sense, right? Leroy, not seeing the whole-wheat muffin in the coffee cart's showcase meant that none was available. Makes sense, right? 

The point is what we perceive to be reality sometimes isn't. We can become so rigid that no other points of views can enter our mind when we think we are certain about something, and we think have supporting evidence. This rigidity can prove useful sometimes; at other times we can miss opportunities, because this focus “blinds” us from prospects existing within our periphery. Knowing that options are available give us the power to choose the best or appropriate one(s). It’s worth it then to pay attention to ourselves and notice when we are so “convinced” of something, and are unwilling to yield to other perspectives. It’s worth it then to “loosen” rigidity, allowing another point of view to enter. Just to see what happens.

Quoting Dr. Richard Bandler, “Are you sure enough to be unsure!”

*--“Needs” and “Wants” are two different modalities. Say these sentences to yourself. PAY ATTENTION to your internal experience: 
1=“I need a car” 
2= “I want a car”.

 

©2015 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to: www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

Gestures are often overlooked; yet, they are powerful tools when used properly during communication. NLP founders, Bandler & Grinder, modeled world-renowned family therapist, Virginia Satir. They creatively applied her successful methods in a variety of communication contexts outside the therapeutic sphere. This helped to bring Virginia's work into the mainstream. 

Power is truly in your hands.

Maybe you've heard the adage “you can either be right, or you can be connected.” But what helps people connect? Values are a high-leverage way to create connection.

What are values? In short, values are what make life meaningful to you; they guide your decisions and actions; they are our internal compass of right and wrong. Examples of values are honesty, creativity, freedom, security, family, love, or service to others.

People usually fight because they have different values. For example if a couple is fighting about money, the surface conversation is about what to buy and what to save. When fighting about money, people usually stay on the surface, and decide that the other person is immature, or rigid. But if we go underneath the surface to what is most deeply meaningful to each of them, we’ll see their values. The spender may value spontaneity, fun, beauty, and freedom; while the saver may value security, efficiency, or leaving a legacy.

Values don’t inherently conflict. For example, there’s a way to have a life full of both fun AND efficiency. So if both people can develop compassion and understanding for each other’s values, they can create a solution that honors both of them.

5 Steps to Resolve Conflict Using Shared Values

1) Find values that are MORE IMPORTANT than the conflict. For example, you may value connection, intimacy, compassion, listening, being open minded, growth, or family MORE than being right, and that helps you listen to the other person’s point of view. So pick one of the above shared values that helps you step out of your point of view momentarily, and listen to the other person.

2) With an attitude of curiosity, take turns asking questions and listening to each person, to uncover what is most deeply meaningful to them about their position. One person shares for about 10-15 minutes, and then you switch.

For example, if the spender values spontaneity, you can ask them:

• What’s important to you about spontaneity?
  
• What does being spontaneous provide for you?
  
• What are your core beliefs or ethics behind your point of view?
  
• Is there a story behind this for you, or does this relate to your history in some way?
  
• Is there a fear that comes up for you, in not having this value honored?
  
• What other ways can you get this value met?
  
• What would be your ideal solution here?

3) When you are the listener, validate the other person’s point of view. You don’t have to agree with all of it, but tell the other person what makes sense about what they shared. For example, you might say, “I see how spontaneity makes life meaningful to you. When you’re being spontaneous, you light up, feel your creativity, and you can enjoy life. Otherwise you feel too boxed in, like you’re wearing clothes that are too tight. That makes sense to me.”

4) When the first person feels heard, switch, and ask the same questions to the other person, with curiosity and validation. The intention is for both people to feel compassion and connection to the values underneath their point of view. The creative solution comes out of the connection that both people feel when they are heard and understood.

5) Create a plan that honors both people’s values. A simple example in the money conflict is to create room in the budget for “pocket cash” that you can spend on whatever you want, while still saving something every month. This solution can only be created when people honor each other’s values.

I have used this strategy in my own life, as well as with many couples, to create movement on issues that have felt stuck for years!

Here's to a life of meaning and enjoyment, because you're honoring what matters to you most. 

I'd love to hear from you! When you try these steps, post in the comments about your experience.


Valerie Greene is an NLP practioner and a Conscious Living and Relationship Coach who has been coaching since 2005, as well as taught many workshops and retreats. She specializes in working with couples who are fighting or feel disconnected, to identify the patterns that are causing distress in their relationship, and help them create emotional connection, passion, and fulfillment. Valerie’s clients have breathed new life into spousal relations, crafted friendships from the ashes of bitter divorce, and attracted the right kinds of dating partners. You can learn more about Valerie, and download her free course "Transform Fighting Into Intimacy" at: www.CoachValerieGreene.com