"Change the way you think, changes the way you feel and changes what you do!"

Biohacker & NLP Trainer, Melina Vicario interviews Richard Bandler about his new book Thinking on Purpose: A 15-Day Plan to a Smarter Life and the practical strategies within it that you can immediately put to use. 

Adapted from Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
 
We started our interviews with senior leaders with one question: What, if anything, about the way people are leading today needs to change in order for leaders to be successful in a complex, rapidly changing environment where we’re faced with seemingly intractable challenges and an insatiable demand for innovation?
 
There was one answer across the interviews: We need braver leaders and more courageous cultures.
 
To better understand, we followed up by asking, Why courage? and What’s getting in the way of building more daring cultures? Of the ten behaviors and cultural issues that leaders identified as barriers to courage, there was one issue that leaders ranked as the greatest concern: Avoiding tough conversations, including giving honest, productive feedback.
 
Some leaders attributed this to a lack of courage, others to a lack of skills, and, shockingly, more than half talked about a cultural norm of “nice and polite” that’s leveraged as an excuse to avoid tough conversations.
 
Whatever the reason, there was saturation across the data that the consequences of avoiding tough conversations or tapping out of a difficult rumble as soon as it gets uncomfortable include:
 
1. Diminishing trust and engagement;
 
2. Increases in problematic behavior, including passive-aggressive behavior, talking behind people’s backs, pervasive backchannel communication (or “the meeting after the meeting”), gossip, and the “dirty yes” (when I say yes to your face and then go behind your back); and
 
3. Decreasing performance due to a lack of clarity and shared purpose.
 
Over the past several years, my team and I have learned something about clarity and the importance of hard conversations that has changed everything from the way we talk to each other to the way we negotiate with external partners. It’s simple but transformative: Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
 
I first heard this saying two decades ago in a 12-step meeting, but I was on slogan overload at the time and didn’t even think about it again until I saw the data about how most of us avoid clarity because we tell ourselves that we’re being kind, when what we’re actually doing is being unkind and unfair.
 
Feeding people half-truths or bullshit to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind.
 
Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind.
 
Talking about people rather than to them is unkind.
 
This lesson has so wildly transformed my life that we live by it at home. If Ellen is trying to figure out how to handle a college roommate issue or Charlie needs to talk to a friend about something . . . clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
 
When we have to show up for a hard conversation we call it “a rumble.” For us, this is more than just a weird West Side Story way to say, “Let’s have a real conversation, even if it’s tough.” It’s become a serious intention and a behavioral cue or reminder.
A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard.
 
More than anything else, when someone says, “Let’s rumble,” it cues me to show up with an open heart and mind so we can serve the work and each other, not our egos. Armoring up and protecting our egos rarely leads to productive, kind, and respectful conversations.
 
-You can purchase a copy of Dare to Lead here.
-Learn more about our LinkedIn Global Read-along here.
-Take the free Daring Leadership Assessment and download free companion workbooks here.

​Teams of people tirelessly work behind the camera to breathe life into the TV shows we are addicted to each week. Or binge watch when the opportunity presents itself. Let's face it. If you own a laptop or TV then you have a favorite TV show. Perhaps several. (What’s one of mine? The Walking Dead). A skilled staff-writing unit makes up a part of this production team. Their job is to generate premises and break them into story beats. Then a member of this coveted staff writing team transforms all that information into a competent script ready to be filmed. Oftentimes he/she has less than a week to write the episode that hooks and hold us.
 
Most do an exceptional job. However, if a writer dares to complain to the show-runner that "writer's block" is preventing them from handling the job, the solution is simple: Writer is replaced or fired, and the task handed to the next writer in line. TV is a voracious animal. Consuming content is how it survives. It spares not the meek or whiny, whether in front of the camera, or behind it. It’s nothing personal. Just business.
 
But guess what? TV writers claiming to be in the throes of “writer’s block” rarely occur. The smart writers inoculate themselves against it; and if it (writer’s block) arises they have strategies to handle it. This then begs the question, “What are some of these strategies they utilize?”
 
Most important is the proper frame of mind. World-class writers possess the attitude, gained through experience, that their first draft is insufficient, and that their best is yet to come. This helps to keep their mind in top form. Flexibility, focus and confidence are other states of mind writers take advantage of when writing. These states allow surprises and discoveries, submerged within a writer's rich, deep, creative reservoir, to float to consciousness’s surface and reveal themselves.
 
Keen writers are also well aware that the act of writing is an output activity. This presupposes an input as well as a processing sequence exists before any official writing takes place. What subject matter is the writer writing about? What does he/she wish to accomplish with the piece? Etc. Having a direction in mind is part of the input and processing phase. It dictates what type of content the writer chooses to absorb, study, the information he/she gathers in order to explore, read, analyze etc. Law & Order: SVU, (their tagline: “ripped from the headlines!”) the longest running dramatic TV series to date – 20 years strong -, is a perfect example of gathering information – first – then working with it to produce a “work of art- that riveting episode.” Writers' get themselves into trouble when they violate this sequence.
 
The universe as it's constructed can give us a surprise, or two, once in a while. For a writer, those surprises are sometimes disguised as writer's block. When things seem to be going well, the writing is flowing, etc. writer's block can mysteriously creep into ones creative mind space, setting up residence, sometimes acting like a mind virus, weakening, if not crippling our progress. Things happen. It during these challenging times we are given the opportunity to learn and to grow.
 
Definitions vary as to what writer's block is. In a nutshell, it is a tense conflict between the writing task we wish to complete versus the excuses we tell and/or show ourselves why that can't happen. These excuses are just symptoms expressing itself in creative ways. For example, giving yourself so-called 'valid' reasons why your task must be put on hold; procrastinating, avoiding the writing assignment by ranking other activities as more important to do; allowing nasty internal dialogue or images to consume your focus that triggers a cascade of physiological responses, (sweaty palms, nervousness, etc). The examples are limitless...
 
So then what is writer's block from an NLP perspective? Hint...It's in the title. It's a nominalization, a fluid process that somehow has been transformed into a thing, immovable, stuck...a metaphorical "block" impeding progress. Looking from it from this angle then what needs to happen is to transform this static state back into a process, something moving. And that's where the fun and adventure begin.
 
Strategies to either eliminate, get through, above, below and/or around writer's block exist. Here are some more:-Get into a relaxed state and ask yourself, using a curious voice tone, "What is blocking me?" It's important to use the gerund "blockING!' It turns the noun back into a process verb. Also notice the present tense of the verb being used - IS.
 
Pay close attention to what emerges into consciousness via one or several of your modalities (visual, auditory, kinesthetic, gustatory). What you become aware of, revealed to you, is the issue, or issues begging to be taken care of so that you can return to the flow writing state.
 
A variation of the above is as follows: Get into a relaxed state and ask yourself, using a curious voice tone, "What 'was' blocking me?" Just as above, it's important to use the gerund "blockING! This time the past-tense "WAS" is being used. This variation presupposes that the issue is now in the past. Sometimes that might solve the problem. Oftentimes not, what this variation does do is to put space between you and the issue, giving you another point of view in which to address it. (As the expression goes...Give me some space to xyz...). Again, notice what surfaces in one or several of your modalities.
 
Writing is a whole-brain process, meaning the creative as well as the analytical part need to work together...in the proper sequence. Suppress the need edit your work when completing your first draft. Just write! Errors and all! Put words on the page! When you enter the editing phase, that's when the critical mind is needed. Not before. You need something to work with...
 
Another advantage of putting words on the page - first - is that you give yourself the opportunity to unpack and reveal the deeper meanings hidden within the words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs, etc. Take for example a simple sentence; "I watched TV last night!":...:

What kind of TV is it? How big/small? Flat-screen, or a box TV? Color or black & white?
Where were you last night?
What was the temperature like?
Were you alone?
Define "watched?"
Etc...

TV sit-com writer, Ellen Sandler, once said, "Writing is discovery on the page!" This requires that you are in-the - moment, the here and now. You need to put something on the page for this to occur. If writing begins by information input then - reading - is a great habit to get into. Books, (blog, e-book, etc.), aren't the only sources of information. There is also the environment in which you live, the people whom you interact with, places you visit, activities you partake in, the moments you experience, and so much more. There's also the world - within - you that you can read. As the NLP tenet states, "We have all the resource to affect change". Get to know who you are, your strengths, weakness, hopes dreams, pleasures, fears, angst, memories, desires etc. It's about utilizing opportunities to spur creativity and also to get ahead of writer's block.
 
So - "What did you think had stopped you from moving forward, or casting aside, what you had thought was writers block?" 


©2018 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to: www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

​DO YOU HAVE something you want to propose?
 
Having a valid case isn’t enough. To get a yes, you must first summon the courage to ask for what you want, need or deserve, and then present your ideas with timing, sensitivity and skill so your listener is motivated to give you the go ahead.
 
Shelley, an athletic friend who works as a law clerk in a Washington D.C. law firm, spent every noon hour jogging on the paths bordering the Smithsonian. She loved getting outside for the exercise, but didn’t enjoy having to change back into her professional clothes without the benefit of a shower. She approached the partners and proposed that a women’s locker room be installed, similar to the one provided for male employees. They turned her down flat, citing the expense, lack of space, and so on. Shelley called me and said, “Help?!”
 
THE FIRST THING I did was compliment her on not relinquishing her dream. Then, I recommended she use these Five Principles of Persuasion to make it come true.
 
1. Walk in with positive expectations. Have you ever approached someone with a suggestion while inside you were thinking, “This is a waste of time. They’ll never approve this.” If you don’t believe your idea stands a chance, how can they? Talk yourself into a state of optimism (“I know this is worthwhile”) so you can go in with the courage of your convictions. As Winston Churchill said, “Before convincing others, we ourselves must be convinced.”
 
2. Anticipate and voice their objections. Determine why they might turn you down, and then state their arguments first. If you don't preface your points with their objections, they won’t even be listening to you; they’ll be waiting for their turn to talk so they can tell you why your recommendation won’t work. If you predict they’ll protest with, “We don’t have the money for this in our budget,” then guess what the first words out of your mouth better be? “You may be thinking we don’t have the funds available, and if I can have your attention for the next ten minutes, I can show how this will save us this amount of money in the first three weeks of operation.”
 
3. Number and document each point. The easiest and quickest way to lend legitimacy to points is to number them. Enumerating evidence makes material sound like facts rather than opinion so it carries more weight. Furthermore, listeners can understand and remember what’s being said more easily because of the clear structure. As a professional speaker for more than 20 years, I’ve learned the most powerful way to get a message across is to follow this pattern: make a point, give an example; make a point, give an example. Audiences relate to and remember examples, which give real-life “proof” of the benefits of what you’re proposing.
 
4. Meet their needs and speak their language. Avoid using the word I, as in “I think a locker room will be welcomed by our employees.” People won’t do things for your reasons; they’ll do them for their own. Ask yourself what’s most important to the person you’re trying to persuade. Money, safety, reputation, status, power? Figure out how your proposal will benefit him or her and then address those advantages.
5. Motivate them to “try on” your ideas. Ralph Waldo Emerson realized, “To know how to suggest is the great art of teaching.” The same is true of persuasion. If you pressure people with logic and try to point out the wisdom of your arguments, they may turn you down simply because they don’t like reasoning forced down their throats. The goal is to Socratically engage them with questions and vivid stories so they get out of the passive, resistive mode and see what you’re saying. As soon as they picture what’s being proposed and mentally answer your questions, they stop crossing their mental arms and start imagining your idea as if it were a done deal.
 
Now, as Paul Harvey would say . . . “for the rest of the story.”
 
Shelley succeeded in getting the lockers approved the second time around because she did her homework. She contacted a national fitness association and obtained data regarding the financial advantage of encouraging employees to exercise during their lunch hour. She located other corporations who were glad to talk about the health and workmen’s compensation benefits they’d reaped from installing changing/shower facilities for all staff members. Shelley neutralized the partners’ objections about lack of space by demonstrating the advantage of converting a little-used conference room.
 
When Shelley called to share her good news, she added a variation of Yogi Berra’s often-quoted line with this quip, “Looks like it’s not over ‘til the FIT lady sings.”
 
BRAVO! Next time you want something, invest the time to follow these Five Principles of Persuasion, and you can increase the likelihood of getting a green light to your proposal or project.
 

POP pitch expert and influential speaker, Sam Horn is president of Sam Horn Consulting-Keynotes-Creative (since 1981) Author of "Tongue Fu!" "POP" "ConZentrate," "What's Holding You Back?" "Take The Bully By The Horns," and "Tongue Fu At School!." Sam also is a corporate keynote speaker and presenter at major conferences on how individuals and organizations can communicate more cooperatively. She is also a 12-time Emcee of world-renowned Maui Writers Conference, where she works with authors to get their books out of their heads and into readers' hands.
 
Visit Sam Horn’s site http://www.SamHorn.com to learn more about what she dynamically does.
California office: 805-528-4351 Virginia office: 703-456-0870

© Copyright - Sam Horn 2018 - All rights reserved!

How many times have we seen this scenario in films: A character gathers his/her resources and single-mindedly chases a goal, claims it...only to discover the goal wasn't worth it, or it wasn't what they hoped it would be, etc. This is after they've spent extra-ordinary amounts of time, energy and resources striving for it. Sounds backwards, right? Well, movies aren't life; but they can imitate aspects of it, even teach us something about ourselves and nature.

People in the public eye who we think "have it all" surprise most of us when they self-destruct or abandon a coveted position or social role. What they've done compels most of us to naturally go in search of answers, starting with questions like, "Why? or How?" Or we make statements such as, "Look at all they had..." "...If I were them, I would never have done what they did!..." “They're stupid," etc.  We make these kinds of judgments and form our opinions because we are using our filters, points, of views, and values to see their world as opposed to seeing the world the way they do. If you have a heart, and consider yourself a part of the human race, then you, too, are vulnerable to such reversal of desire. Not just movie characters or public figures. If you are a self-reflecting person abandoning something you once chased isn't bad. Because you can and do learn something about yourself that you can use to improve the quality of your life ("Live Long and Prosper"...[in mind body and spirit] as Mr. Spock would say, R.I.P. Leonard Nimoy)

Having goals do make for healthy living; they help to add meaning and purpose to our life... But can any goal do the aforementioned? Which one specifically? Sure we can chase anything and say we are adding substance to our life. But are you sure that what you are seeking to grasp will give you and your life satisfaction? If so, great. If you don't know... then that's something to look into.  Goals exist to satisfy a "need"; a need that's been awakened, is excited and yearning to settle down. The clearer we are on what this need is, the better our chances are that we will choose the appropriate goal, with the added benefit that your resources will be utilized with precision. Take for example your standard action movie - Taken 1 - starring Liam Neeson. Antagonists have kidnapped the protagonist's daughter with the intent on selling her on the black market. The antagonists' actions have awakened a clearly defined need in the protagonist who then chooses the appropriate goal and will take the "necessary steps" to reach it so that his need - safety for his family - is satisfied.

Moving from the world of fiction into the real one, most of us know that billionaire Bill Gates left the company he founded to pursue philanthropic goals. What need could he be satisfying by taking this bold step? Each of us has needs that are personal. Being aware of them, as previously stated, will help us to choose the right goals that will satisfy them. If you are pursuing a goal the following questions will help you to become aware of your need. Also, pay attention to your experience and check to see if the pursuit of the goal will satisfy that particular need:

• What is this goal really about?
  
• What will reaching this goal do for me or give me?
  
• Why is this goal so important?
• Is the goal I'm' pursuing going to satisfy my need?
  

©2015 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to: www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

Listen to both videos. They are short – (2 min. each), but contain a wealth of information you can easily put use towards your success. Listen, listen and listen again. Strategies for success aren't all that difficult. As you listen, pay attention to how Olympic Gold-medalist, Iwan Thomas, used language to become a winner. Notice that he only focused only on encouraging statements he said to himself and from others, dismissing anything else that was irrelevant. – Focus! Listen to what Dr. Richard Bandler says that's required for success... 
 “…so strong you have to feel it in every fibre of your soul!...”

Video 1: Richard Bandler's interview with Iwan Thomas and how he became a top athlete.

Video 2: Richard Bandler's interview with Iwan Thomas and how he became a top athlete.

We’ve heard it before: networking is more akin to farming than it is to hunting. The act of hunting to put food on the table creates an immediate result – we go and get it. But it’s unsustainable; we have to go get it again, and next month we have to go out and get it again. A hunter-networker is out there meeting people, building relationships, adding new contacts to her list, and in the end, the “prospective clients” she is putting into the top of her Business Development Funnel are prospects that she found. Hunting in this analogy simply means that the bulk of the prospects to whom we’re presenting our business are people that we brought to the table. Nothing wrong with it. If we have quotas to meet and overhead to cover, then we gotta hunt. Hunting, however, is based in linear dynamics and does not give us leverage. As Michael Gerber of the E-Myth book series likes to say, we’re out there “doing it, doing it, doing it”.

The philosophy of a farmer-networker is a complete paradigm shift. It is based in non-linear dynamics and provides access to leverage. This kind of networker is also out their meeting people, building relationships, adding contacts to his list, however, the prospects entering his Business Development Funnel are people that were referred to him by his strategic alliances, also known as referral sources, or what I like to call “power partners”. So then, how does the difference between these two “networking worldviews” manifest itself? When a hunting-oriented networker walks into a room at a networking function or an alumni gathering, what she will see is a “room full of prospects”. When the farming-oriented networker walks into the same event, what he will see is a “room full of gateways” leading to 100’s of potential clients.

Of course, the challenge for every farmer-networker is this: if everyone in that room is a potential gateway, and if a gateway will only “let me in the door” and act as a referral source if they know, like, and trust me, then there is clearly some nurturing and fertilizing to do before that relationship becomes a fruit-bearing resource. Yes, there is a time lag here. Which is why I recommend to my clients that they do both: while we put food on the table through our hunting activities, we intentionally launch a farming initiative so that we can wean ourselves off of our dependence on hunting, and experience the peace of mind that comes with sustainable results – reaping the benefits of cultivating relationships that bear fruit year after year.

The key phrase is “farming initiative”. When we launch an initiative, do we wing it or is there a plan? The most effective networkers are those with a long-term plan, just like the most effective farmers are those with a plan, who took the time to develop their agricultural skills, and learned how to use the tools that accelerate the process and maximize their effectiveness. Developing skills in farming (as in any profession or sport) takes time, and it takes the willingness to practice consistently. Sporadic efforts toward our networking (or any endeavor for that matter) will yield mediocre results at best.

There are many tools for accelerating our yield from networking, and as we master the use of these tools, we see our results blossom. The tool that is typically the most under-utilized, and that is one of the most leveraged activities in the networking toolbox, is that activity known as “Inviting”. Hours could be spent on how to use this tool to its maximum. Let’s take a moment and dip our toe in the water of Inviting.

Many of us have read or heard of the book, “Never Eat Alone,” by Keith Ferrazzi, in which he reminds us to take the time spent eating a meal and invest it simultaneously into cultivating a relationship.

And that’s why I like to say, “Never go to an event alone”.

There is no better way to leverage your networking (i.e., relationship cultivating) efforts than to include others from your network in the events you’re attending. You are already going to be there at that networking breakfast, or art opening, or book signing, or lecture on mind-body medicine. Look at your calendar and see what events you are scheduled to attend in the upcoming weeks, and with each event, ask yourself, “Which of my relationships can I water and fertilize by inviting them to join me?”

This is a game-changing question. And it is multi-dimensional (which is to be expected of anything based in non-linear dynamics). Here are just a few of the many layers to consider:

To access the Inviting tool, you must first answer this question: “Who are my potential invitees?” And we arrive at that answer by asking yet another question: “Who are my VIP’s?” The Very Important Person can be flocked together with others of the same feather. Ask yourself: “Which segments of my overall network are the most important ‘relationship crops’ that I want to nurture and fertilize on an ongoing basis? These would include current and past clients, prospective clients, referral sources and potential referral sources, mentors, and friends.

Once you identify your potential invitees, take a look at the events you’re already attending, and ask:

• Which of my VIP’s have an interest in the topic of this event?
• Which of my VIP’s would like to meet the types of people who are going to be attending this kind of event?
  
• Which of my VIP’s would I like to hang out with and get to know better – and this event sounds like a conducive environment to provide that opportunity?
  

And the masterful networker goes even deeper and asks:

• Serving as a Connector, who could I invite to this event that needs to meet each other? If I invite “Victor VIP”, who else could I invite that would be a favorable introduction for Victor’s business?

• Given that I could relate to the person holding/sponsoring/speaking at the event as a VIP herself (someone inspiring and influential that I’d like to nurture and develop), then who could I invite from my network that would be a potential referral or potential power partner for this VIP, thereby further cultivating my relationship with her?
  

Even if none of your invitees shows up at the event, the act of inviting them is where much of the magic lives. When they read your email invitation, or listen to your voice mail inviting them to the event, what they’re left with is, “How nice of Cynthia to think of me!” particularly if you include in your invitation wording along the lines of wanting to connect them to some other mover/shakers who will also be attending, or saying, “I thought this event would be a great way to check out some wonderful art (or get in some good networking) while at the same time learning more about you and how I can connect the right people to you.”

Through that kind of invitation, the relationship is never the same. You distinguish yourself. You stand out from the crowd of people that your contact has met the past few months. You register as valuable to them because you value them.

What goes around comes around. You get what you give. Networking is indeed like farming. Commit to mastering what it takes to efficiently and effectively harness the potential in your “relationship crops”. Learn the skills. Master the tools. And you will reap a bountiful harvest of mutually satisfying relationships and sustainable growth in your business.


A graduate of the Wharton School of Business, Cynthia Greenawalt is a leading trainer, consultant, and professional coach on networking and developing social capital.

Cynthia founded Sea Change Networking to address the demand for a senior level networking venue for developing high-value alliance building and mastering the principles behind her core methodology, “The Science and Art of Breakthrough Networking.” Contributing author of the New York Times bestseller, “Masters Of Networking,” and the Wall Street Journal bestseller, “Masters Of Success,” Cynthia provides business leaders with access to extraordinary results by developing their social capital and increasing their return on relationships. To learn more about Sea Change Networking and their initiatives, go to www.seachangenetworking.com

You are correct if you say we communicate using words- partially though! We also employ voice tone, gestures and body language, emotional state, clothing, the physical location (aka time/place setting) we occupy, and more; this is, in addition to the words we use. Even the lack of communicating is a form of communication. In short, we are always transmitting messages. We just cannot– not – communicate!

This non-stop sending of messages, intentionally, or not, does several things: One, it makes is highly likely that mis-communication will occur. Those among us who've lived a life have experienced the aforementioned, whether it’s you that misinterpreted the sender’s transmission, or the other way around. Two, it calls out a response from the receiver, somewhat like a stimulus response loop. For example, I say “good morning” to you and you respond in turn. Or with the intent of initiating a handshake, I extend my hand, and you do the same (providing you are polite).

Skilled negotiators and communicators understand the role their goals and intent play when crafting and delivering precise messages. They’re also keenly aware of the important role the receiver’s subjective experience of reality plays in how the message is received and interpreted.

Take note, because it’s on the level of subjectivity where mis-communication oftentimes occurs, hence the axiom: “The meaning of the communication is the response you get!”

Case in point: (names changed to protect the not-so-innocent) “Host and Wife” were having a private dinner for “Couple M & W”, new-found friends of theirs. In some cultures, it’s customary to take your shoes off upon entering a home. This is the practise Host and Wife observed as children, and still today as adults.

When Couple M & W arrived they had no idea about Host and Wife’s cultural protocol. So in they came, shoes and all. On top of this, Couple M & W graciously brought with them, because it was their customary practice to do so, to demonstrate politeness and grace, a gift, theirs was a cooked meal, which happened to be meat, for Host and Wife. What Couple M & W also didn't know was that Host and Wife were strict vegetarians.

From Host and Wife’s point of view they were being insulted – from the failure of their guests to remove their shoes, and that meat entered their home.

Couple and Wife realizing the ice-cold atmosphere getting even colder by the moment sincerely and whole-heartedly apologized and made the necessary adjustments. They explained that it was not their intent to offend.

Who’s right versus who’s wrong, in an interaction, sparked by a misunderstanding, is irrelevant, Because from their point of view, and from the intent of all parties involved, all are right!

This subjective world is rich and vast. As such you can't be error proof when sending messages; but you can reduce the likelihood. If  a perceived misunderstanding arises, apologize, error correct, explain your intent and find common ground so you and the other person can move forward.

“Treat people the way you want to be treated!” is not only dumb, but a false adage that's gone unchallenged. It's akin to saying "fight fire with fire," when water quenches fire. Like a virus, the former (and latter) has infected various communication models.... “Treat people the way they want to be treated.” Thinking from this view point allows one to behave differently, whether you're the message's sender or receiver. Saying it another way...whether you are the sender or receiver, get to know the other's worldview. You will learn more about each other. And you will literally be discovering how "each other prefers to be served," so to speak!


©2014 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to:  www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

What are the eight traits successful people have in common? Watch (or listen). Be surprised how easy it is to adopt these traits in your lives.

Ethan Hunt’s mission (Tom Cruise- Mission Impossible 4), that he’s already accepted, is to pacify a diabolical master-mind bent on starting World War III is. To do this, Ethan needs access to the highly-secured server room nestled within the world’s tallest building, the Burj Kahlifa All “safe” options to enter this room are useless. The last available course of action is a ‘take or leave it option’ – entering from the outside… And off he goes, in Ethan Hunt fashion, scaling the building, unaided by a harness – but by futuristic suction-gloves.

A glove malfunctions, leaving Ethan dangling 3,000 feet from death. Oh, did I mention that a skin-stripping sandstorm is just off the horizon, gunning directly towards him? I would say Ethan Hunt has a – “problem”….

Whether in the cinematic world or in this “real” one, when wishful expectations fail to match what actually occurs in reality, that’s when we realize a problem exists. But, truth be told, the problem isn't usually the problem; it’s how we deal with it. This is key.

We all have reflexive responses for dealing with common situations which arise. Some work well, others don’t; the interesting thing is, we continue to employ tactics we know are useless, like ignoring, making excuses, blaming others for a problem, etc. and keep getting the same empty results. It’s like beating one’s head against the wall – stop!

Recognizing that a problem exists also presupposes that a solution is present, though hidden – temporarily. Albert Einstein famously said, “…The significant problems we face today cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them!...” In other words, if we are to unearth solutions for what we perceive to be an existing issue of concern, then a revolutionary perspective, a new way of thinking needs to be exercised.

We can start by first defining what the problem is. This requires several things: One, we take some responsibility for the issue at hand. Simply put, what was your role in making the problem exist? What did or didn’t you do? For example, your consistent cell-phone usage while driving consistently gets you pulled over by a police-officer who routinely gives you a ticket. Blaming or arguing with the officer does not solve the issue. Taking some responsibility for the act offers you a new vantage point from which you can *see solutions for your problem.

Second, focus on solutions. Visualize the outcome; ask solutions-based questions, instead of riveting your attention on the problem, thus feeding it unnecessary energy. Adding to the example above, instead of the driver paying attention to the anger and frustration triggered by receiving the ticket, he/she can focus on safe driving, and ask solution-based questions such as, “How can I eliminate getting tickets and drive safely on the road?” (Can you construct additional creative solutions-based questions?)

Third, we've either said these words, or have heard someone say them, “I need to get some space, some distance from the problem!” A hidden power resides in this statement. However you do it, physically or mentally, putting distance between you and the scenario in question shifts your state of mind and perspective, thus helping you to find creative solutions.

Adopting useful beliefs are also important when searching for creative solutions. Beliefs aren't “wrong or right,” per se; they are just useful, because they act as discriminating doorways, halting incompatible thoughts, ideas, and behaviors from entering one’s mind-space. Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) contains many useful beliefs that can be applied to solutions-based thinking.

Some of the following are:

• Failure versus Feedback
  

We've all seen movies where the hero fires a heat-seeking missile at the villain. But the agile villain constantly dodges it, causing the missile to fail in connecting with its target. But the missile, as if it has a mind of its own - self- corrects - and gets back on its aggressive course…and does connect with its target. Failure versus feedback can be likened to this missile. Instead of calling your results, a failure, think of them as - feedback. It’s this information feedback you use to re-calibrate, so that when you get back on course, you’re armed with additional data on how to navigate, the best way to get things done, so you accomplish your goal.

•  Humans Have the Resources to Affect Change
  

Most of us have become accustomed to doing things a certain way. This oftentimes can lead us to believe that no other approaches exist to get the same task done, and that problems are bound to occur when this singular tactic can no longer be used. As previously stated, beliefs are neither wrong nor right, but useful.

Finding ourselves in a pinch is no excuse for staying there. Adopting the belief that we have the ability and power to influence our outcome is a good step in the right direction. For example, Ethan Hunt, after having gained access to the server-room, now must urgently get back to his team – asap! However, from the looks of things, he’s in some serious trouble:… Both of his futuristic climbing gloves (the only climbing gear he has) are destroyed, he’s several-thousand feet up, a dreaded sand-storm is minutes away, and he can’t use the elevators. What’s he to do?

If action reveals character, then it’s clear from witnessing Ethan Hunt’s previous exploits that he possesses certain abilities: He has the mental prowess to push aside fears; he can prioritise, focus and he’s always committed to a cause. These qualities are what Ethan accesses and utilizes…Ethan Hunt straps himself to on one end of a fire-hose, throws the other end out the window and races down the side of the building, … escaping, without the use of magical powers, but by taking advantage of resources that are already within him.

Like Ethan, we, too, can utilize the built-in resources unique to each of us, and also what's within our control to discover solutions. Examples of people doing such things, refusing let their circumstances limit or imprison them, are abundant.



©2014 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to:  www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

As you are listening to celebrated author Chimananda Ngoze Adiche’s TED Talk, keep the following in mind: –
“The 'Power' of a single Story” and the impact is has on point of view."

The stories we are exposed to, and the ones we tell ourselves, help to frame and shape our self-perception, and how we experience the world we live in.

Earlier this year, I had the fortune to work in my capacity as a performance coach with the Stirling Clansmen (the 2014 American Football British National Champions). Although I played a very small part in helping them get in the right frame of mind to play their best, what I learned from observing them taught me some extremely valuable lessons.

The most important lesson that I learned was in observing what I call relentless discipline. The Stirling football coaches cultivated a culture on the team that was extremely impressive. They emphasised over and over again the essential need to be consistent in everything they did. They worked hard on the pitch and were well behaved off it. The importance of a code of behaviour was instilled quite brilliantly.

I’ve never had a more receptive audience than the 40 strong Stirling group. They were hungry for success and cohesively resonating with that hunger. They seemed to have a deep understanding that their conduct would determine how they would perform. Their values all seemed aligned.

To me, that is where relentless discipline comes from. It comes from the ability to communicate the importance of being a certain way in all aspects of your behaviour. For to become a champion, you really must become a champion. These champions became champions before they won the title. They became champions by how they acted. They acted like any great sporting icon. They worked as hard as they could work. They supported each other and they respected their opposition and anyone involved in the game.

I see discipline as the art of getting yourself to consistently behave in a certain way regardless of how you feel. When I go to the gym, I rarely go because I’m excited about it. I go because I know it’s really important for me. I made that decision because I decided I would value it. I made that decision because I decided to become that kind of person.

We often look to our behaviour to define who we are. When this team looked at their own behaviour, they could see real professionalism. They could see champions. This ensured that their discipline became relentless.

The trick is, if we want to succeed in any chosen area of life, we need to value relentless discipline as being exceptionally important. We need to remind ourselves that success isn't easy and the choices about how hard we are going to work and how consistently we will do so is going to determine whether we are successful or not. The beautiful thing is that it is up to us. It is up to what we choose to give value to. And we need to see ourselves as ‘that kind of person’. That’s a secret of champions.


Owen Fitzpatrick is an International Trainer and Practical Psychologist. He is co-author of six books which have been translated into more than a dozen languages. Owen is also co-founder of the Irish Institute of NLP, the largest NLP training company in Ireland. He is also a qualified Psychologist, Psychotherapist and Hypnotherapist. Owen has also featured as the presenter expert on his primetime television show 'Not Enough Hours' on Irish Television.

Note: Check out Owen's newest bestseller, the sequel to "Conversations" called " Memories: Hope is the Question"
You can post your comments about the book on Facebook

“Can you recommend some CD’s on hypnosis that I can listen to, because I want to be smarter?” Alan asked me (name changed to protect the so-called innocent). I've never been asked this before, not until now. It’s not for me to pass judgment on any inquiries. No matter how unique they may be. For we want what we want in order to satisfy values, intentions, needs, wants or desires.

You don’t have to look very far to find an infinite amount of hypnosis-based products promising all types of gains. I could have easily recommended several to Alan, and that would have been the end of it, much like the automatic behaviors we engage in, for example, shaking hands. One person first extends their hand. The other person - without thought - reciprocates. Both hands meet, resulting in a handshake.

Alan said something which made me curious. To be specific, it was a word he used- “smart!” What did Alan mean? What was his definition of that particular word?

I had options at this point: I could’ve asked Alan to clarify what he meant by the word, or to clarify what he meant by the statement. Or even to ask how does he know that a hypnosis product will give him what he wants?...

I did none of the above. Instead, I went in search of this word’s history. I discovered it (smart) comes from the Old-English term “smeart” which had several related meanings: sharp, precise, trim, quick wit, active, clever. This utterance got diluted over time, and lost some of its initial meaning. Today everyone uses this word (smart) in their own way.

It turned out what Alan really wanted was to be more precise in his thinking - at certain times - and on specific topics important to him, so that he felt more satisfied, more confident with actions he took afterwards. Put another way, tools for better decision-making were what he wanted.

If we want to be in a position where we are certain we’re making the best decision(s) possible, satisfied with the actions we’ve taken, have options to choose from, and feel good about the choices we’ve made, - the output, then it’s best to gather as much information possible about the subject we are focused on. This is the input phase.  Tools to help you do that are abundant, with the most direct one being – questions! The quality of your answers rests on the quality of your questions.

The Meta Model or Journalistic Questions are great tools to help you to generate quality information-gathering questions. The more information you have, the better the processing strategies your mind will engage in. Think about it. The mind needs something to work on. The great writers, past and present (and future ones), understand that in order to write, to produce a meaningful piece of work, they must – read! Read to write. “Reading” doesn’t imply books only, but reading the world, the environment you live in and are surrounded by. This act of reading for the writer, this immersion, is really the information-gathering phase, or, as advertising executive, Tor Myhren, calls it “inspiration overload,” the step that gets his creative juices moving.

Another key driver for success is our state of mind. For if we are seeking to enhance the quality of our thoughts and behaviors we need to take this into account. There is a specific state for a specific activity! What states of mind do you think: endurance swimmer, Diana Nyad, the fastest man alive, Usain Bolt, Bookkeeper, Antoinette Tuff, world-class public speakers, or even individuals who've changed the world, entertain, so they can perform at an optimal level? This then begs the question: “What states of mind must you activate if you want to produce the right thoughts and actions?”

Other strategies for input are:

• Having and experiencing multiple points of views on a single subject.
  
• Putting yourself in situations that cause you to grow, to learn. In other words, get out of your comfort zone. 
  
•  Self-reflection.
  
• Exercise: The brain is a glutton for glucose and oxygen. Getting the body moving triggers all kinds of responses within the body and mind. Some of the greatest ideas individuals have had in their lives came to them while exercising. 
  

©2013 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to:  www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

Most of us take for granted, the language we use with ourselves. Language not only moves us consciously, it also influences us on the unconscious level.

In the clip, Simon Sinek demonstrates the differences between nouns, verbs (& verb phrases) and the dynamic impact they have on our behavior, for example when creating goals or satisfying a personal value.

Note:.... PAY ATTENTION to your internal sensations – notice the differences.

                           Behind it All
                                                                                   by John G. Johnson

Like it or not humans are always learning. And we learn quickly. It’s not just our minds that learn, but our bodies as well.Sometimes a single experience  is all it takes. Rapid learning can occur when an  experience is unique, novel and accompanied by a heightened emotion. What’s interesting is that the more this learning event occurs, the more it becomes a stronger aspect of our being, hard-wired, so to speak, thus  leading us to create “conclusions,” “rules” “a point of view” “beliefs,” etc. about this unique event. Take for example, going to a restaurant and eating a meal that upsets your stomach. The next time around, you’ll most likely be cautious of either the restaurant in question or the same meal. However, if you  decide to give the same place and meal another try, and if the same thing occurs - again - then you’ll definitely build even stronger conclusions either about that establishment or the meal.  In fact, it’s how phobias are created - the body has learned to respond in a particular way that’s usually undesirable.

There’s another way we learn and acquire knowledge, and that’s through detecting patterns. Our minds are continuously scanning for and cataloging patterns in our environment. The interesting thing is that this pattern-detection activity takes place at a level that’s  -  below our awareness! Inferences are then derived from these patterns, manifesting in the form of, attitudes, beliefs or ideas, etc.

There are times, however, when these patterns are made available to our conscious minds. This gives now us the opportunity to discover the source of our present attitudes and conclusions about a provocative subject in question. This revelation also now puts us  in an immediate position to decide whether a specific attitude, belief, etc is useful to hold onto - or not.

But oftentimes these patterns aren't made available to us consciously. And all that we are aware of are just the “conclusions,” and their various forms, be that attitudes, beliefs, gut-feelings, rules, ideas etc., that seem to just “exist” without a source. A simple exercise to prove this is to list as many of the attitudes, beliefs, conclusions and ideas you are aware of, and then  ask yourself how did you come to acquire them. This unconscious pattern-detection mechanism has kept our species alive for millions of years. So, too, has our ability to infer and to generalize from these patterns as well. We use what we have concluded, (attitudes, beliefs, gut-feelings, rules, ideas etc.) as rudders in our lives which influence our: behaviors, thoughts and how we see the world. But this mechanism does have its flaws:

IF YOU are having trouble accomplishing a sought-after goal or activity, regardless of whatever field you are in (personal or professional), or are dissatisfied with your level of performance in a specific arena, then it’s useful to examine your attitudes, beliefs, even the excuses you create as to why a certain outcome is the way it is surrounding the context in question. And then  - challenge them!:  

• Are they helping you to move in the direction of your choice?

• Are there counter-examples to what you believe to be true?
  

• Are there more useful beliefs, attitudes and points of views to adopt that can serve you better?
  

We don’t have to prisoners of our thoughts and experiences.Success in any endeavor requires that useful beliefs, ways of seeing and even attitudes be adopted, because, as stated before, they act as rudders  influencing our behaviors and the choices we make that push and pull us in the direction we choose. 


©2013 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to:  www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

WHY do you do what you do?  How do leaders inspire themselves, people and the world into action? You can do it, too. Watch Simon Sinek’s  TEDx presentation.

                        How to Let Go of Fear
                                                                                                  by Tina Taylor

Fear is part of our survival instinct; it sets our body and mind in motion in preparation for a perceived threat.  It’s hard wired into the subconscious and is one of our oldest emotions; sometimes generated without any conscious awareness.  We feel uneasy, yet don't know why.  It makes us jump when something moves on the ground or touches us, makes us blink when something is coming towards our eyes.  We respond due to sensory input driving us into action.

Fear makes you focus.  There’s a moment of awareness, with our unconscious telling us something isn't right, and as we sense "something" we freeze.  This freezing may stop predators from seeing us it also gives us a chance to evaluate the situation and if it is OK we continue - returning to what we were doing.

Fear is all about chemicals, epinephrine and norepinephrine; epinephrine (adrenaline) is secreted by the adrenal glands.  These chemicals are released in moments of fear to prepare us for the fight or flight response; and changes occur to improve chances of survival.  As well as increased strength an increase in oxygen increases sensory acuity whilst non-survival process like digestion are put on hold.

Fears and phobias are extreme anxieties.  As we go through life we learn a great many things by experience, things we are not even aware of.  An unconscious learning, fear is one of these experiences and is a demonstration of how quickly we learn an automatic response.

From one experience the mind can generalize and attach fear.  Then the flight or fight response kicks in.  Your imagination is far more powerful than conscious will and the area of the brain that you use to imagine something is the same area that is used when experiencing things.  Which is why your nervous system can’t tell the difference between a real or vividly imagined experience.

For an event to be coded as traumatic its said that four conditions need to be met.  First it needs to be a emotional event; second, have a meaning for the individual; third, the chemicals need to be in place and fourth the experience is perceived as inescapable.  If these are present it is possible that the brain will categorize the event as traumatic.

And yet there could be 2 people at the same event and one will be traumatized whilst the other will not.  How can this happen?

Life is full of traumatic moments, in order for an event to be traumatizing it must produce an emotional response.  Meaning is attached to the event, and whereby one person may code something as traumatic another may not.  A good example of this is those who are afraid of riding on roller coasters, they produce the four conditions in their mind and they know its scary and dangerous; whereas someone who loves roller coasters will have all the same conditions in place yet they love the thrill of the ride.

Our feelings are created by the way in which we think of something; for example someone scared of spiders may be creating an image in their mind of a larger than life spider which is scaring them.  Our fears may have begun due to specific event in our lives but these tend to evolve to a point whereby it’s the thought of the event/situation that causes the feeling rather than the situation/event itself.

There are a number of ways in which you can change the way you feel. One of these is: as you notice a feeling of anxiety/panic begin.

1.       Breathe in gently and slowly through your mouth when your lungs are full hold your breath for 10 seconds then.
2.       Breath out slowly through your nose.
3.      Breath in slowly through your mouth and hold your breath for 5 seconds.
4.      Breath out slowly through your nose.
5.      Continue breathing this way for a couple of minutes at which point the anxiety will have subsided.


Tina Taylor is one of the UK's sought after Licensed Master Trainers of NLP & Hypnotherapists, having been trained by and then assisting Paul McKenna & Dr. Richard Bandler.  With experience in the Human Resources sector, Tina has worked both on a consultancy basis and full-time for major corporations in the City of London.  Within her private practice, this diverse background has allowed her to create and provide some very unique services such as assisting couples with fertility issues and to help create a comfortable childbirth experience as well as coaching and hypnotherapy within the south of England to many individuals and companies.

Tina Taylor’s new CD, How to Let go of Fear, can teach you ways in which you can change your response’s and take back control of your thought processes.

                                              Almost Instant State Change
                                                                        By Kevin Creedon (1960 - 2013)

Think of a problem. Those four words are used repeatedly throughout NLP trainings because most of the time NLP techniques are used in a prescriptive manner. That means that, after the fact, we can examine a problem, make new choices and mentally rehearse a more ideal performance in the future. But what about those events that we didn't prepare for? Is it possible to shift from negative feelings to more resourceful feelings in the moment, without prior planning or an external trigger?

 Shift Happens
I remember a time when I had to travel from New York to Boston for an important family event. Very early on a hot August morning, I went to pick up the rental car I had reserved a week before. The rental agent told me that, because some cars hadn’t been returned yet, I'd have to wait until one came in or make other arrangements. I finally got a car—two hours later. Now I was stuck in morning rush hour. Worse, there was a lot of repaving being done on the highway and the heat left a lot of overheated cars stalled on the road.

When I finally got to Boston (having missed the wedding and most of the reception) I was in an awful mood. One of my nephews, who was six at the time, asked me why I was so grumpy. I told him the whole story: the car rental, the traffic, the heat... And then he said, "But Uncle Kevin, you're not driving now."

Instant state change! One moment, I'm grumpy and reliving all the unpleasantness of the morning, and the next I'm enjoying myself.

At that point, I knew that positive state changes could happen suddenly, and faster than any NLP technique I had learned so far. But I didn't know how to generate them for myself. They were always a reaction to something external, usually something someone else said to me. Yet I was very curious about how we could learn to do the same thing for ourselves.

 Emotions are Choices
William Glasser, M.D. in his book Choice Theory makes a strong case for the idea that emotions are choices, even when they don’t feel like it. Using my trip to Boston as an example, he would say that the reason I was grumpy with my family was not because I spent most of the day stuck in traffic, but because at the reception I was choosing to generate grumpy emotions.

Whether or not emotions are choices is true, it is a very useful assumption. Here's an experiment. Pretend that you are grumpy and mentally label your experience each of these ways:

1. I am grumpy.
2. I am feeling grumpy.
3. I am choosing to feel grumpy.

What are the differences for you? Which gives you the greatest freedom (and responsibility)?

When I taught my first Master Practitioner class, at graduation one of my students told me that he had just solved a big mystery: that much of what I taught in class was geared toward recognizing that we can choose how we feel. This was a powerful revelation for him—he had spent much of his life being angry, thinking he had no choice about it. He asked me why I didn't just tell everyone at the start that emotions can be chosen. "Who would have believed me?" I asked him.

Some people try to suppress or hide their emotions. Others venerate them, with the idea that ALL emotions have to be fully expressed, preferably with an audience, before an emotion is complete. I don't think emotions should be suppressed or avoided, but I’m surprised how often what I’m feeling seems to have been chosen blindly, without considering more than one possibility.

Here's another experiment to illustrate the ephemeral nature of emotions. Think of a small task that you can do, should get done and have been putting off. When you think about it, what emotions do you feel?

Next, ask yourself "Is there any reason I can't put off deciding how I'll feel about doing this until after it's done?"

Notice what happens. In my experience, both with myself and with my students and clients, if the answer is no, the negative feeling spontaneously disappears and we go and do the thing that we had been putting off.

Kevin Creedon's work lives on in and throughout the lives of the people he's touched in his unique way. A part of his legacy has been captured and preserved on this best-selling DVD - Bang Bang!

                           Valuing Values
                                                                                            by John G. Johnson

Anne Marie worked hard to finally secure her coveted, hi-profile dream job, one which had glamour, power, and prestige attached to it. The job gave Anne Marie the ability to influence the direction of politics and policies in the USA and around the world. It also kept her at the office until the wee hours of the morning - and away from home for extended periods as well. This dream job did have its perks though: Trips to exotic countries, attending exclusive engagements and ritzy events, mingling and dining with titans of industries and influential heads of state.

Ann Marie thought she had it all. But in less than two years she called it quits, giving up the position she fought to get, saying it wasn’t what she thought it would be. Why? The demands of the job weren’t fulfilling a personal need, a value important to her – family. She had a husband and two teenage boys who she wanted to spend more time with.

To understand one of the reasons people do the things they do we need to look at “Values.” Values are subjective; they vary from person to person and are contextual.  This means that what’s important you, what you are valuing in a career, for example, will be different from what’s important to you when it comes to owning pair of shoes. In short, a person’s behavior oftentimes is satisfying the values they consider dear to them in a particular context. The good thing is that values aren't set in stone; like human beings, they can change over time. If we work from this premise, then in order to learn what someone’s values are in a given scenario, all we need to do is ask: – What’s important to you in X? And Listen! (x = specific context: For example, family, friends, career, car, clothes, vacation, etc.

Ann Marie’s situation, of achieving a goal and then abandoning it, isn’t rare. As observers we are sometimes stunned by the actions of certain individuals, people who are in the public eye, or within our own private social circles. From our point-of-view we think what they did was bizarre, prompting us to say something like, “Why did they give it all up? They had it all. “I” would have never done what they did. I don’t get it, etc.” To the outsider, upon first glance, Ann Marie’s decision to quit seems strange. But asking the question above, in order to unearth what her values are in the context of a career, would show that by leaving the dream job, no matter how attractive it was, Ann Marie was adhering to her values. Spending time with her family is important to her. The rigors of the job prevented this from happening. So she did the next best thing…

Values give rise to behavior. So before we go condemning someone for an action they took that you clearly wouldn’t have if you were in their shoes, so to speak, dig a little deeper and find out that person’s values are in that given context and were they (values) being satisfied.

There are times that humans do have to endure the gauntlet to discover what’s important to them. But we can save ourselves time and eliminate, if not, reduce disappointment in advance when we:

 1= Ask ourselves the same question posed above (What’s important to you in X?) and - pay attention - to the answers and emotions that arise.

2= Write down the answers you get.

3= Then find out if the desired goal or behavior you seek will fulfill these values.



©2013 John Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to:  www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

                           The Art of Relating
                                                                                          By Owen Fitzpatrick

One of the most important distinctions I have learned about relationships is the different between ‘having a relationship’ and ‘relating to your partner’. Far too often, we talk about it and think about it as if it is a static entity. The truth is that you and your partner are constantly changing, evolving and your relationship is too.

By seeing your relationship as a still object, you fall into the trap of not reminding yourself to continuously ‘relate’ in the most effective way. When you change this perspective and you begin to explore ways of relating to your loved ones, you can have a massively positive impact on the relationship itself. Of course the very word relationship puts a sort of limit on the concept as a noun… but I am more talking about the way that we actually relate to the concept.

For example, some people say that they are ‘in’ a relationship and not ‘having’ one. This can be okay as long as we are thinking of the relationship as something that is traveling and moving. Far too often, we find ourselves struggling with the fact that what once worked with the other person no longer does. By reminding yourself that you need to continuously relate, it makes things a million times easier.

Relating itself is about learning from the person what they are thinking and feeling and what they need and want from you as well as expressing your own needs and wants to them in the most effective way possible. When your ‘relationship’ is no longer taken for granted you get to do this is really wonderful ways!




Owen Fitzpatrick is an inspiring, engaging and entertaining speaker  NLP Master Trainer, specialized in Charisma, co-author of 'Conversations with Dr. Richard Bandler' , co- author of ‘Choose Freedom’, an international bestseller. ‘Not Enough Hours’, a bestseller in the Irish Times Bookcharts and ‘NLP for Charisma’. Owen was the presenter and expert of the primetime show ‘Not Enough Hours’. He  is co-founder of the Irish Institute of NLP along with Brian Colbert. Founder of the Online Charisma Training Academy", and author of the soon to published book "The Charismatic Edge," as a trainer Owen is one of the most well respected authorities in the area of NLP:  www.owenfitzpatrick.com

              Become that You…                                                                               by                                                                                  by John G. Johnson

I just finished reading The Five Major Pieces to the Life Puzzle, written by celebrated business-leader and trailblazer the late Jim Rohn. The book is based on what Mr. Rohn believed are the five pillars for success:

• Philosophy – the thoughts you adopt and live by.
  
• Attitude – the energy and intent you give to a situation.
  
• Action - what you do.
  
• Results – metrics- progress and results how you are moving towards your goal. 
  
• Lifestyle - the kind of life you create for yourself by adopting the four principles above.
  

Not only did Mr. Rohn have a unique life perspective, he was clearly skilled in reframing scenarios into useful and empowering points of views. And he was famous for his quotes as well. For example, “Your income is related to your philosophy, not to the economy!” (How relevant is this today). Mr. Rohn’s common sense writing style can easily lead someone to think his book is a quick read. However, any serious reader will realize that The Five Major Pieces to the Life Puzzle is laden with thought-provoking insights that are worth reflecting upon. Take for example – Mr. Rohn’s statement that:…

“…Success is something you attract by the person you become…Success is not something you pursue. (That’s like chasing a butterfly. You just quite can’t catch it)… Success is something you attract by being an attractive person….

What does Mr. Rohn mean by “success” and “attractive”? To most people the words automatically convey ‘money’ and ‘beauty’. But there are so many other definitions – that’s personal to everyone. Regardless of the myriad of associations those words call up, if we take the entire statement as a whole one of things we can conclude is that: Stagnation doesn't work; if what you are doing isn't working, meaning you don’t like the feedback you are receiving, then you need to adjust, grow, change, acquire the necessary tools – whatever those need to be - to help get you to your destination.

I’m reminded of two real-life examples: ONE - Debra Ehrhardt struggled for years in both New York City and Hollywood to become an established stage actress. This was her life-long dream; it’s what she trained for many years to be. She did everything “within the expected box” trying make things happen. You name it Debra did it… Auditions after auditions, sending out resumes and head-shots, responding to casting calls, etc... And still no one gave her any roles. She came close… but, still – nothing.

Debra realized that if wanted to be a working actress then things had to change; she had to become more than just an actress. Fortunately, unrestrained desire and ambition were on Debra’s side. If no one wanted to offer her a role, give her a break, then she would write her own roles. She learned the craft of playwriting and the business production side of the theatre industry and then mounted one-person plays in which - she – was the: producer, promoter as well as its star.

Her first play attracted network TV executives who eventually bought it. That being history, and still hungry to work the stage, Debra wrote a second one-person play, and won numerous prestigious awards for it. Her current play, Jamaica Farewell, in which she’s once again the producer, promoter and star, continues to be performed in sold-out theatres in the USA, Canada, Europe, South America and the Caribbean. It also caught the attention of a serious hi-profile movie mogul and is currently in the process of being turned into a major motion-picture.

TWO- Poverty and  a lower caste family was what Kalpana Saroj was born into in India. Strangers, even family members called her horrible names when she was young. Getting beaten up on her daily eight mile trek to school and forbidden to drink from certain water wells was a common occurrence. Kalpana’s mother even told her to accept her fate, meaning there was no way out. At twelve Kalpana was forced into an abusive marriage. She eventually defied social pressures and left it, but doing so had its negative social consequences. Too much to tolerate, Kalpana tried taking her life - but survived.

This proved to be a turning point. She now had several options:(one), accept her fate as her mother said, (two), do a better job of  taking her life, or (three), change her circumstances for the better – something people within her caste rarely had achieved. Kalpana took option three…to live the life that she wanted, despite what others expected and thought of her because of her social status – an untouchable.

Kalpana left her tiny village, made her way to the big city, Mumbai, and got a job in the garment industry paying her 15-cents a day. She taught herself how to use a variety of commercial sewing equipment which made her marketable, and as a result saw her income rise. At age twenty, she applied and received a government loan and opened her first business. It turned out that she had the gift for running a business. One successful venture led to another to the point that people who had a failing enterprise - regardless of what caste they came from - sought her consultation and offered her highly lucrative business opportunities. All this culminated in her becoming a titan in business. Today, in her early fifties, Kalpana’s worth millions and her combined companies are valued at over 100 million dollars. In addition to that, she met a businessman whom she married – by choice!

We can infer a lot from these examples. One thing is for sure: Debra Ehrhardt and Kalpana Saroj are successful by their standards. Both had to become more than what they were, doing whatever it took, whether it was by acquiring new skills, cultivating the appropriate mental attitude, adopting a new philosophy, etc. so they could change their circumstances and design a lifestyle on their terms. “…Success is something you attract by the person you become…”


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