Adapted from Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
 
We started our interviews with senior leaders with one question: What, if anything, about the way people are leading today needs to change in order for leaders to be successful in a complex, rapidly changing environment where we’re faced with seemingly intractable challenges and an insatiable demand for innovation?
 
There was one answer across the interviews: We need braver leaders and more courageous cultures.
 
To better understand, we followed up by asking, Why courage? and What’s getting in the way of building more daring cultures? Of the ten behaviors and cultural issues that leaders identified as barriers to courage, there was one issue that leaders ranked as the greatest concern: Avoiding tough conversations, including giving honest, productive feedback.
 
Some leaders attributed this to a lack of courage, others to a lack of skills, and, shockingly, more than half talked about a cultural norm of “nice and polite” that’s leveraged as an excuse to avoid tough conversations.
 
Whatever the reason, there was saturation across the data that the consequences of avoiding tough conversations or tapping out of a difficult rumble as soon as it gets uncomfortable include:
 
1. Diminishing trust and engagement;
 
2. Increases in problematic behavior, including passive-aggressive behavior, talking behind people’s backs, pervasive backchannel communication (or “the meeting after the meeting”), gossip, and the “dirty yes” (when I say yes to your face and then go behind your back); and
 
3. Decreasing performance due to a lack of clarity and shared purpose.
 
Over the past several years, my team and I have learned something about clarity and the importance of hard conversations that has changed everything from the way we talk to each other to the way we negotiate with external partners. It’s simple but transformative: Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
 
I first heard this saying two decades ago in a 12-step meeting, but I was on slogan overload at the time and didn’t even think about it again until I saw the data about how most of us avoid clarity because we tell ourselves that we’re being kind, when what we’re actually doing is being unkind and unfair.
 
Feeding people half-truths or bullshit to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind.
 
Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind.
 
Talking about people rather than to them is unkind.
 
This lesson has so wildly transformed my life that we live by it at home. If Ellen is trying to figure out how to handle a college roommate issue or Charlie needs to talk to a friend about something . . . clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
 
When we have to show up for a hard conversation we call it “a rumble.” For us, this is more than just a weird West Side Story way to say, “Let’s have a real conversation, even if it’s tough.” It’s become a serious intention and a behavioral cue or reminder.
A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard.
 
More than anything else, when someone says, “Let’s rumble,” it cues me to show up with an open heart and mind so we can serve the work and each other, not our egos. Armoring up and protecting our egos rarely leads to productive, kind, and respectful conversations.
 
-You can purchase a copy of Dare to Lead here.
-Learn more about our LinkedIn Global Read-along here.
-Take the free Daring Leadership Assessment and download free companion workbooks here.

​“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” –  Brené Brown

The more I learn, the more I admire the power of vulnerability.

• “We live in a society that sees vulnerability as a weakness most of the time…”
• “This person cannot take the pressure and will not be good for the job.”
• “I am a women and I work in a male dominant industry, so I need to be tough to be respected.”
• “I cannot show how I truly feel to my clients, (friends, family or whatever the case may be) because they will think I am a failure.”

​“I tried to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies, I tried to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes because boys don’t cry!” –The Cure

Guess what? Let me break the news for you: congratulations, you are human!!!

I can spend more time giving you other examples as the ones mentioned above, but that is not the point. The point I want to make is to show you that we are not robots, we are not machines. Life needs balance and to have a balanced life we need to allow ourselves to be the great super humans we were born to be.

I had the honor to see the blooming power of vulnerability right in front of my eyes a few times, moments where no status quo mattered and everyone was together, being kind, helpful and open to just be and support one another. The love simply poured and tears, hugs and collaboration became “natural”.

And what is natural for us after all??? Worth wondering…

If being vulnerable makes you feel uncomfortable and unsafe out there, practice vulnerability with your loved ones (at least) and open your heart to pour whatever is inside. If you are overflowing happiness, let it out and share. If you are feeling down and need support, open yourself up to ask and accept help from others. What happens when we don’t create a vulnerability “escape valve” is that we keep our feelings inside until they explode!

I am myself guilty to a certain degree, and as I usually mention, my growth as a human being and as a coach is a constant. As a matter of fact, I am being vulnerable right now admitting my imperfection in a public post. If I am human and I work with other humans, I cannot become a robot. I need to feel, hear and see with my heart to fully understand where my clients are coming from, what others need most and be open to ask for help also.

Go-Givers usually feel unnatural to receive and ask for help. After all, they are the helpers and the time “wasted” getting help is the time they will not be “giving” help to others… Right? – WRONG! – Trust me me, giving and not receiving will get you empty. Caregivers need to be taken care of also!
​
I understand that the hard shell we sometimes choose to live inside may have an even greater purpose: our protection! If we felt safe to just be, shine and make things happen from our being essence, if we didn’t fear being judged or massacred by the masses when they find out that super-heroes become humans after removing their cape, we would not hide behind shields of protection.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” – Brené Brown 

• Book: Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

I once shared with a friend my opinion regarding the difference between being a good person and being a pleaser. Good people are truthful to their values and life purpose and organically deliver their best self to the world. Pleasers on the other hand, will try anything and everything to be noticed and appreciated, and will even go against their own values and life purpose to follow others, please and serve, in hopes to be loved and appreciated. People don’t love you for what you do for them, they love you for who you are for them!

Having said that, don’t forget to take your super-hero cape off when you get to a place where you feel safe to give baby steps practicing the power of vulnerability. Once you are more comfortable, open the doors to your life and start exploring your vulnerability in other places. In the end, you will get to a beautiful point where you don’t feel judged, hurt or afraid anymore and you will be proud to know that you can and have the right to simply… BE HUMAN!

Make it outstanding!
Coach Cris



Cris Repoles - also known as the "Phoenix coach" is a licensed practitioner of NLP, a Havening Techniques practitioner and a peak-performance Coach. Go to her website: Coach Cris Repoles.com to learn more about what she does.  "Start living the life of your choosing and make it non-negotiable!"