​©2024 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to:  www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

Watch and listen to the full story of how Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) was developed, its impact on the world, and the future of this technology, from the co-creator himself!

Video synopsis

Click image (above) or this LINK to Purchase

In this award-winning streaming docu-series, From Fear to Freedom, NLP master-trainer and world renowned phobia specialist, Kalliope Barlis, will take you on a journey into the mind and beliefs. If you thought  you were cursed with the burden of living with lifelong phobias...think again. Oh, Yes! Kalliope Barlis teach you practical strategies as well.

From Fear to Freedom is "must-see TV!"

To purchase Kalliope Barlis's best-seller:  "Phobia Relief: From Fear to Freedom!"

... beliefs and construals can actually alter our reality. ... As an example, take intelligence, something that many people believe to be a genetically predetermined entity. ...
 
... If you are an incremental theorist, you believe that intelligence is fluid. If you work harder, learn more, apply yourself better, you will become smarter. If, on the other hand, you are an entity theorist, you believe that intelligence is fixed. Try as you might, you will remain as smart (or not) as you were before. ... how someone performs, especially in reacting to failure, largely depends on which of the two beliefs he espouses. An incremental theorist sees failure as a learning opportunity; an entity theorist, as a frustrating personal shortcoming that cannot be remedied. ...
 
...At the end, I keep coming back to Hamlet, ..., “Why then ’tis none for you; for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” To Hamlet, Denmark is a prison; to his companions, it is no more so than the world at large. How they see it affects how it is—not inherently good or bad, but good or bad as perceived through their own frame of mind...: our world is what we perceive it to be, and our place in it, how we imagine it.

​If we think of ourselves as able to learn, learn we will—and if we think we are doomed to fail, we doom ourselves ...  To view full article CLICK HERE

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Maria Konnikova is a writer living in New York City, where she works on an assortment of non-fiction and fiction. Her first book, MASTERMIND (Viking, 2013), was a New York Times bestseller. She previously wrote the popular psychology blog Artful Choice on Big Think. Her writing has appeared in publications that include The New Yorker, The Atlantic, The New York Times, Slate, The Wall Street Journal, The Paris Review, Salon, and The New Republic, among many others. She graduated magna cum laude from Harvard University, where she studied psychology, creative writing, and government, and received her PhD in Psychology from Columbia University. Most mornings, Maria can be found in a yoga studio. Most afternoons, she can be found writing, reading, or conducting definitive explorations into the workings of the human mind. 

Follow Maria on Twitter @mkonnikova 
Website: www.MariaKonnikova.com ​

"Change the way you think, changes the way you feel and changes what you do!"

Biohacker & NLP Trainer, Melina Vicario interviews Richard Bandler about his new book Thinking on Purpose: A 15-Day Plan to a Smarter Life and the practical strategies within it that you can immediately put to use. 

Adapted from Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
 
We started our interviews with senior leaders with one question: What, if anything, about the way people are leading today needs to change in order for leaders to be successful in a complex, rapidly changing environment where we’re faced with seemingly intractable challenges and an insatiable demand for innovation?
 
There was one answer across the interviews: We need braver leaders and more courageous cultures.
 
To better understand, we followed up by asking, Why courage? and What’s getting in the way of building more daring cultures? Of the ten behaviors and cultural issues that leaders identified as barriers to courage, there was one issue that leaders ranked as the greatest concern: Avoiding tough conversations, including giving honest, productive feedback.
 
Some leaders attributed this to a lack of courage, others to a lack of skills, and, shockingly, more than half talked about a cultural norm of “nice and polite” that’s leveraged as an excuse to avoid tough conversations.
 
Whatever the reason, there was saturation across the data that the consequences of avoiding tough conversations or tapping out of a difficult rumble as soon as it gets uncomfortable include:
 
1. Diminishing trust and engagement;
 
2. Increases in problematic behavior, including passive-aggressive behavior, talking behind people’s backs, pervasive backchannel communication (or “the meeting after the meeting”), gossip, and the “dirty yes” (when I say yes to your face and then go behind your back); and
 
3. Decreasing performance due to a lack of clarity and shared purpose.
 
Over the past several years, my team and I have learned something about clarity and the importance of hard conversations that has changed everything from the way we talk to each other to the way we negotiate with external partners. It’s simple but transformative: Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
 
I first heard this saying two decades ago in a 12-step meeting, but I was on slogan overload at the time and didn’t even think about it again until I saw the data about how most of us avoid clarity because we tell ourselves that we’re being kind, when what we’re actually doing is being unkind and unfair.
 
Feeding people half-truths or bullshit to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind.
 
Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind.
 
Talking about people rather than to them is unkind.
 
This lesson has so wildly transformed my life that we live by it at home. If Ellen is trying to figure out how to handle a college roommate issue or Charlie needs to talk to a friend about something . . . clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
 
When we have to show up for a hard conversation we call it “a rumble.” For us, this is more than just a weird West Side Story way to say, “Let’s have a real conversation, even if it’s tough.” It’s become a serious intention and a behavioral cue or reminder.
A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard.
 
More than anything else, when someone says, “Let’s rumble,” it cues me to show up with an open heart and mind so we can serve the work and each other, not our egos. Armoring up and protecting our egos rarely leads to productive, kind, and respectful conversations.
 
-You can purchase a copy of Dare to Lead here.
-Learn more about our LinkedIn Global Read-along here.
-Take the free Daring Leadership Assessment and download free companion workbooks here.

"...'Let me tell you the secret. The secret is it's not the snake that scared you; it was the big giant picture jumping out at you'....the images and sounds you generate in your mind create the feelings.

​Change the way you think, you change the way you feel, thus you change what you do...!"

​Teams of people tirelessly work behind the camera to breathe life into the TV shows we are addicted to each week. Or binge watch when the opportunity presents itself. Let's face it. If you own a laptop or TV then you have a favorite TV show. Perhaps several. (What’s one of mine? The Walking Dead). A skilled staff-writing unit makes up a part of this production team. Their job is to generate premises and break them into story beats. Then a member of this coveted staff writing team transforms all that information into a competent script ready to be filmed. Oftentimes he/she has less than a week to write the episode that hooks and hold us.
 
Most do an exceptional job. However, if a writer dares to complain to the show-runner that "writer's block" is preventing them from handling the job, the solution is simple: Writer is replaced or fired, and the task handed to the next writer in line. TV is a voracious animal. Consuming content is how it survives. It spares not the meek or whiny, whether in front of the camera, or behind it. It’s nothing personal. Just business.
 
But guess what? TV writers claiming to be in the throes of “writer’s block” rarely occur. The smart writers inoculate themselves against it; and if it (writer’s block) arises they have strategies to handle it. This then begs the question, “What are some of these strategies they utilize?”
 
Most important is the proper frame of mind. World-class writers possess the attitude, gained through experience, that their first draft is insufficient, and that their best is yet to come. This helps to keep their mind in top form. Flexibility, focus and confidence are other states of mind writers take advantage of when writing. These states allow surprises and discoveries, submerged within a writer's rich, deep, creative reservoir, to float to consciousness’s surface and reveal themselves.
 
Keen writers are also well aware that the act of writing is an output activity. This presupposes an input as well as a processing sequence exists before any official writing takes place. What subject matter is the writer writing about? What does he/she wish to accomplish with the piece? Etc. Having a direction in mind is part of the input and processing phase. It dictates what type of content the writer chooses to absorb, study, the information he/she gathers in order to explore, read, analyze etc. Law & Order: SVU, (their tagline: “ripped from the headlines!”) the longest running dramatic TV series to date – 20 years strong -, is a perfect example of gathering information – first – then working with it to produce a “work of art- that riveting episode.” Writers' get themselves into trouble when they violate this sequence.
 
The universe as it's constructed can give us a surprise, or two, once in a while. For a writer, those surprises are sometimes disguised as writer's block. When things seem to be going well, the writing is flowing, etc. writer's block can mysteriously creep into ones creative mind space, setting up residence, sometimes acting like a mind virus, weakening, if not crippling our progress. Things happen. It during these challenging times we are given the opportunity to learn and to grow.
 
Definitions vary as to what writer's block is. In a nutshell, it is a tense conflict between the writing task we wish to complete versus the excuses we tell and/or show ourselves why that can't happen. These excuses are just symptoms expressing itself in creative ways. For example, giving yourself so-called 'valid' reasons why your task must be put on hold; procrastinating, avoiding the writing assignment by ranking other activities as more important to do; allowing nasty internal dialogue or images to consume your focus that triggers a cascade of physiological responses, (sweaty palms, nervousness, etc). The examples are limitless...
 
So then what is writer's block from an NLP perspective? Hint...It's in the title. It's a nominalization, a fluid process that somehow has been transformed into a thing, immovable, stuck...a metaphorical "block" impeding progress. Looking from it from this angle then what needs to happen is to transform this static state back into a process, something moving. And that's where the fun and adventure begin.
 
Strategies to either eliminate, get through, above, below and/or around writer's block exist. Here are some more:-Get into a relaxed state and ask yourself, using a curious voice tone, "What is blocking me?" It's important to use the gerund "blockING!' It turns the noun back into a process verb. Also notice the present tense of the verb being used - IS.
 
Pay close attention to what emerges into consciousness via one or several of your modalities (visual, auditory, kinesthetic, gustatory). What you become aware of, revealed to you, is the issue, or issues begging to be taken care of so that you can return to the flow writing state.
 
A variation of the above is as follows: Get into a relaxed state and ask yourself, using a curious voice tone, "What 'was' blocking me?" Just as above, it's important to use the gerund "blockING! This time the past-tense "WAS" is being used. This variation presupposes that the issue is now in the past. Sometimes that might solve the problem. Oftentimes not, what this variation does do is to put space between you and the issue, giving you another point of view in which to address it. (As the expression goes...Give me some space to xyz...). Again, notice what surfaces in one or several of your modalities.
 
Writing is a whole-brain process, meaning the creative as well as the analytical part need to work together...in the proper sequence. Suppress the need edit your work when completing your first draft. Just write! Errors and all! Put words on the page! When you enter the editing phase, that's when the critical mind is needed. Not before. You need something to work with...
 
Another advantage of putting words on the page - first - is that you give yourself the opportunity to unpack and reveal the deeper meanings hidden within the words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs, etc. Take for example a simple sentence; "I watched TV last night!":...:

What kind of TV is it? How big/small? Flat-screen, or a box TV? Color or black & white?
Where were you last night?
What was the temperature like?
Were you alone?
Define "watched?"
Etc...

TV sit-com writer, Ellen Sandler, once said, "Writing is discovery on the page!" This requires that you are in-the - moment, the here and now. You need to put something on the page for this to occur. If writing begins by information input then - reading - is a great habit to get into. Books, (blog, e-book, etc.), aren't the only sources of information. There is also the environment in which you live, the people whom you interact with, places you visit, activities you partake in, the moments you experience, and so much more. There's also the world - within - you that you can read. As the NLP tenet states, "We have all the resource to affect change". Get to know who you are, your strengths, weakness, hopes dreams, pleasures, fears, angst, memories, desires etc. It's about utilizing opportunities to spur creativity and also to get ahead of writer's block.
 
So - "What did you think had stopped you from moving forward, or casting aside, what you had thought was writers block?" 


©2018 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to: www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

"
​Most people believe writing rests on two branches - creative writing and formal writing (business, academic). And there are those that think writers whom they admire were born with their so-called "gift." While it might seem that some do possess such a thing, writing is a craft; and like any craft it requires work. Talent alone is insufficient. In fact one does not need "talent" to write.
 
Another branch of writing exists, called Expressive writing (EW). Pioneered by social psychologist James Pennebaker, EW's goal's purpose is to free the mind of tensions and repressed emotions thus causing the individual to operate at their optimal best. Rigorous studies have been done on EW proving that it's powerful as it's helped students to increase their academic performance, organizations to effectively perform, EW has been used to enhance relationships, overcome personal trauma, increase memory, decrease life's stresses, clarifying personal goals so as to have a well-balanced and productive life.
 
​
Below are links to learn more about Expressive Writing.

James Pennebaker BBC Interview

How to do Expressive Writing

James Pennebaker's The Secret Life of Pronouns
 
Dr. Jordan Peterson
Self Authoring
 
As I previously mentioned: You do not need "talent" to write.


©2018 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to: www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

There was a moment in sports when employing a coach was unimaginable. Times and attitudes have changed. Now refusing to do so is unimaginable. A coach in today’s world makes the difference between Good or Great, no matter if we talk about Health or Wealth.

What are the “symptoms” of a great business-coach? What can inform us if the money and time are worth investing in one? As the Business Coaching industry continues to expand, prospective clients will eventually need to pay more and more attention to:

1. Determining the must-have skills and competency of a great business-coach.
2. Determining the value that will be provided.

Therefore, what prospective clients ought to be asking is: “How do I know how to choose a great business coach?” It begins with learning how to detect competency and congruency, or lack thereof, within the person calling themselves a “business-coach.” Paying attention body language, for example, posture, gestures, speech rate, their use of verbal-language, and vocal intonations are an important start, for it can also lead to uncovering the potential business-coach’s knowledge, experience, integrity, intelligence, fairness, and much more.

A great business-coach plays to his/her strengths; metaphorically speaking, they “don’t promise the sea as a gift when they don't know how the river flows.” They will know how to differentiate the methods and techniques to be used, which is based on the client’s real-time feedback .They’ll also possess proven methodologies and tools for success, for example, the coveted skill of Packing questions and Unpacking responses.

Packing determines the difference between a smart question and a stupid one. It also causes the client to strategically focus. A thought-provoking question changes the brain’s chemistry, re arranging the neurological paths, breaking the self defense mechanisms of the Ego. The more time the client spends thinking, because of the question posed to them, the better the Question is. “How do you know?” is definitely the best question ever. “How do you know when to be angry during a meeting and be nice during the next one?” “How do you know when to start being mad and furious?” Change takes time, so does the answer. The more reluctant the client is, the stronger the evidence is that the question broke the wall of inner self defense.

Knowing what to notice and how to draw out what’s relevant from what’s irrelevant within the client’s communication are vital. This is unpacking. And a great coach is a master of this skill. In other words, metaphorically speaking, they possess the ability to see the tree in the forest during foggy weather, instead of trying to clear the fog!”

A great business coach oftentimes has a strong NLP background. This enables them to recognize conscious and unconscious responses. Unconscious reluctance is a self-defense mechanism, meaning that the person is trying to defend their existing patterns, beliefs, or inner ideas that stops them from being successful.

The last but not the least, the best business coaches not only will help you to establish new roots or strengthen the useful ones, they’ll teach you tools you can utilize for a lifetime, and strategies to enter and maintain positive states during and beyond their coaching sessions that will allow you to reach your goal – the one you’ve chosen to make real.


Laura Ion,
Author, Business Coach, NLP Trainer

Author, Business Coach, NLP Trainer, Laura Ion has a specialized instinct for inspiring and moving people so that they can perform beyond their best. She has over 8 years experience in Middle and Top Management positions in national and multinational companies, and more than 5 years experience in Training/Facilitating and Business Coaching. Laura is also the author of "Lead the Way by Persuasion", book that teaches you how to become a skilled persuader, and powerful leader and how to perceive “change” of any kind  as an opportunity for growing and development.
 
Visit Laura’s website: www.BuyYourBrain,com Purchase Laura’s bestseller, "Lead the Way by Persuasion", on Amazon

 

How many times have we seen this scenario in films: A character gathers his/her resources and single-mindedly chases a goal, claims it...only to discover the goal wasn't worth it, or it wasn't what they hoped it would be, etc. This is after they've spent extra-ordinary amounts of time, energy and resources striving for it. Sounds backwards, right? Well, movies aren't life; but they can imitate aspects of it, even teach us something about ourselves and nature.

People in the public eye who we think "have it all" surprise most of us when they self-destruct or abandon a coveted position or social role. What they've done compels most of us to naturally go in search of answers, starting with questions like, "Why? or How?" Or we make statements such as, "Look at all they had..." "...If I were them, I would never have done what they did!..." “They're stupid," etc.  We make these kinds of judgments and form our opinions because we are using our filters, points, of views, and values to see their world as opposed to seeing the world the way they do. If you have a heart, and consider yourself a part of the human race, then you, too, are vulnerable to such reversal of desire. Not just movie characters or public figures. If you are a self-reflecting person abandoning something you once chased isn't bad. Because you can and do learn something about yourself that you can use to improve the quality of your life ("Live Long and Prosper"...[in mind body and spirit] as Mr. Spock would say, R.I.P. Leonard Nimoy)

Having goals do make for healthy living; they help to add meaning and purpose to our life... But can any goal do the aforementioned? Which one specifically? Sure we can chase anything and say we are adding substance to our life. But are you sure that what you are seeking to grasp will give you and your life satisfaction? If so, great. If you don't know... then that's something to look into.  Goals exist to satisfy a "need"; a need that's been awakened, is excited and yearning to settle down. The clearer we are on what this need is, the better our chances are that we will choose the appropriate goal, with the added benefit that your resources will be utilized with precision. Take for example your standard action movie - Taken 1 - starring Liam Neeson. Antagonists have kidnapped the protagonist's daughter with the intent on selling her on the black market. The antagonists' actions have awakened a clearly defined need in the protagonist who then chooses the appropriate goal and will take the "necessary steps" to reach it so that his need - safety for his family - is satisfied.

Moving from the world of fiction into the real one, most of us know that billionaire Bill Gates left the company he founded to pursue philanthropic goals. What need could he be satisfying by taking this bold step? Each of us has needs that are personal. Being aware of them, as previously stated, will help us to choose the right goals that will satisfy them. If you are pursuing a goal the following questions will help you to become aware of your need. Also, pay attention to your experience and check to see if the pursuit of the goal will satisfy that particular need:

• What is this goal really about?
• What will reaching this goal do for me or give me?
• Why is this goal so important?
• Is the goal I'm' pursuing going to satisfy my need?

©2015 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to: www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

Listen to both videos. They are short – (2 min. each), but contain a wealth of information you can easily put use towards your success. Listen, listen and listen again. Strategies for success aren't all that difficult. As you listen, pay attention to how Olympic Gold-medalist, Iwan Thomas, used language to become a winner. Notice that he only focused only on encouraging statements he said to himself and from others, dismissing anything else that was irrelevant. – Focus! Listen to what Dr. Richard Bandler says that's required for success... 
 “…so strong you have to feel it in every fibre of your soul!...”

Video 1: Richard Bandler's interview with Iwan Thomas and how he became a top athlete.

Video 2: Richard Bandler's interview with Iwan Thomas and how he became a top athlete.

Almost two decades had passed since I last saw Leroy. So when we finally met to catch up no topic was off limits. We spoke about all kinds of things. Our conversation eventually steered itself towards the subject of perception and how it informs our beliefs and actions. I told Leroy about an experience a mutual friend of ours, Norman, had. 

Norman lost the charging cable belonging to his so - called smart phone’s external power-pack. (Actually, carelessness on his part caused him to lose it; but that is a totally different story). The standard phone cable wasn't compatible. Norman could have easily taken off the external power-pack and relied solely on the built in battery. But as most, if not, everyone knows, so-called “smart phones” suck power. And the way Norman used his device, he definitely needed additional power.

Norman searched the website of the power-pack's manufacturer, with the hope of finding a replacement cable that he could purchase. He found it; but it wasn’t cheap. Price, however, wasn’t a concern. The time it took to receive the accessory, if purchased directly from the manufacturer’s website, was of concern. For it would take up to several days. Norman needed*a cord, and he wanted* it fast. Relieving his inconvenience was priority. What to do? 

It was a bold move, but Norman went back to the store where he originally purchased the phone and power-pack, thinking the accessory just might be available. That’s where things got interesting, to say the least.

“Contact the power-pack’s manufacturer. They’ll send you a replacement - at ‘no charge,’” the sales rep told Norman. This rep is absolutely wrong, Norman thought. He was sure of this. I asked Norman what made him think the sales rep's statement was incorrect. “You break you pay,” Norman told me. What Norman really meant was that no company is going to give away something when the customer is at fault for a product’s loss or damage. Norman also saw the replacement cable being advertised for sale (not free) on the manufacturer’s website. This further fortified his belief. So he was ready to pay. Every attempt to correct what the sales rep said only created increased friction between them. Each took a firm position, standing by what they said – and rightfully believed.

But somebody had to “blink,” so to speak, sooner or later. Norman did. Why? It was useless holding this stalemate. Besides, the salesperson’s conviction intrigued Norman. But most of all Norman wanted to prove the salesperson wrong. So he went to a nearby coffee shop and placed a call to the power-pack manufacturer’s customer service department.

Surprise…the salesperson was right! “How?” Norman thought. Why advertise something for sale when a call can get you the same product – at no charge?... Questions bombarded Norman’s mind. But he never bothered finding the answers. Getting a replacement charge cord was more important. But time was the only trade-off. That was fine though. Obtaining the cord by any means was important. 

Here’s the interesting thing: Leroy and I met again several days later and he tells me about his recent coffee and muffin experience:... Getting a cup of coffee and a whole-wheat muffin from his favorite coffee cart was Leroy’s morning routine while heading to work.

One morning, while standing in line, waiting his turn to be served, Leroy noticed that the coffee-cart’s pastry showcase was almost empty. He didn't see his favorite pastry on display either. Everything must already have been sold before he arrived, Leroy thought, which was a surprise to him. For this had never happened before. But there’s a first time for everything he thought. So Leroy just ordered coffee and went on his way. 

Leroy then said the story I told him about Norman’s charge cord experience flashed into his mind, causing him to stop, turn around and ask the coffee cart's server if he had any whole-wheat muffins. Yes! The coffee cart's server had them. But a sudden rush of customers demanding coffee delayed him from re-stocking the display case before Leroy arrived.

These are two different stories and experiences; yet, a theme connects them. Norman, accepting responsibility for losing his charge cord, and seeing it advertised for a price meant he was expected to pay for the replacement cord. Makes sense, right? Leroy, not seeing the whole-wheat muffin in the coffee cart's showcase meant that none was available. Makes sense, right? 

The point is what we perceive to be reality sometimes isn't. We can become so rigid that no other points of views can enter our mind when we think we are certain about something, and we think have supporting evidence. This rigidity can prove useful sometimes; at other times we can miss opportunities, because this focus “blinds” us from prospects existing within our periphery. Knowing that options are available give us the power to choose the best or appropriate one(s). It’s worth it then to pay attention to ourselves and notice when we are so “convinced” of something, and are unwilling to yield to other perspectives. It’s worth it then to “loosen” rigidity, allowing another point of view to enter. Just to see what happens.

Quoting Dr. Richard Bandler, “Are you sure enough to be unsure!”

*--“Needs” and “Wants” are two different modalities. Say these sentences to yourself. PAY ATTENTION to your internal experience: 
1=“I need a car” 
2= “I want a car”.

 

©2015 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to: www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

Maybe you've heard the adage “you can either be right, or you can be connected.” But what helps people connect? Values are a high-leverage way to create connection.

What are values? In short, values are what make life meaningful to you; they guide your decisions and actions; they are our internal compass of right and wrong. Examples of values are honesty, creativity, freedom, security, family, love, or service to others.

People usually fight because they have different values. For example if a couple is fighting about money, the surface conversation is about what to buy and what to save. When fighting about money, people usually stay on the surface, and decide that the other person is immature, or rigid. But if we go underneath the surface to what is most deeply meaningful to each of them, we’ll see their values. The spender may value spontaneity, fun, beauty, and freedom; while the saver may value security, efficiency, or leaving a legacy.

Values don’t inherently conflict. For example, there’s a way to have a life full of both fun AND efficiency. So if both people can develop compassion and understanding for each other’s values, they can create a solution that honors both of them.

5 Steps to Resolve Conflict Using Shared Values

1) Find values that are MORE IMPORTANT than the conflict. For example, you may value connection, intimacy, compassion, listening, being open minded, growth, or family MORE than being right, and that helps you listen to the other person’s point of view. So pick one of the above shared values that helps you step out of your point of view momentarily, and listen to the other person.

2) With an attitude of curiosity, take turns asking questions and listening to each person, to uncover what is most deeply meaningful to them about their position. One person shares for about 10-15 minutes, and then you switch.

For example, if the spender values spontaneity, you can ask them:

• What’s important to you about spontaneity?
  
• What does being spontaneous provide for you?
  
• What are your core beliefs or ethics behind your point of view?
  
• Is there a story behind this for you, or does this relate to your history in some way?
  
• Is there a fear that comes up for you, in not having this value honored?
  
• What other ways can you get this value met?
  
• What would be your ideal solution here?

3) When you are the listener, validate the other person’s point of view. You don’t have to agree with all of it, but tell the other person what makes sense about what they shared. For example, you might say, “I see how spontaneity makes life meaningful to you. When you’re being spontaneous, you light up, feel your creativity, and you can enjoy life. Otherwise you feel too boxed in, like you’re wearing clothes that are too tight. That makes sense to me.”

4) When the first person feels heard, switch, and ask the same questions to the other person, with curiosity and validation. The intention is for both people to feel compassion and connection to the values underneath their point of view. The creative solution comes out of the connection that both people feel when they are heard and understood.

5) Create a plan that honors both people’s values. A simple example in the money conflict is to create room in the budget for “pocket cash” that you can spend on whatever you want, while still saving something every month. This solution can only be created when people honor each other’s values.

I have used this strategy in my own life, as well as with many couples, to create movement on issues that have felt stuck for years!

Here's to a life of meaning and enjoyment, because you're honoring what matters to you most. 

I'd love to hear from you! When you try these steps, post in the comments about your experience.


Valerie Greene is an NLP practioner and a Conscious Living and Relationship Coach who has been coaching since 2005, as well as taught many workshops and retreats. She specializes in working with couples who are fighting or feel disconnected, to identify the patterns that are causing distress in their relationship, and help them create emotional connection, passion, and fulfillment. Valerie’s clients have breathed new life into spousal relations, crafted friendships from the ashes of bitter divorce, and attracted the right kinds of dating partners. You can learn more about Valerie, and download her free course "Transform Fighting Into Intimacy" at: www.CoachValerieGreene.com

You are correct if you say we communicate using words- partially though! We also employ voice tone, gestures and body language, emotional state, clothing, the physical location (aka time/place setting) we occupy, and more; this is, in addition to the words we use. Even the lack of communicating is a form of communication. In short, we are always transmitting messages. We just cannot– not – communicate!

This non-stop sending of messages, intentionally, or not, does several things: One, it makes is highly likely that mis-communication will occur. Those among us who've lived a life have experienced the aforementioned, whether it’s you that misinterpreted the sender’s transmission, or the other way around. Two, it calls out a response from the receiver, somewhat like a stimulus response loop. For example, I say “good morning” to you and you respond in turn. Or with the intent of initiating a handshake, I extend my hand, and you do the same (providing you are polite).

Skilled negotiators and communicators understand the role their goals and intent play when crafting and delivering precise messages. They’re also keenly aware of the important role the receiver’s subjective experience of reality plays in how the message is received and interpreted.

Take note, because it’s on the level of subjectivity where mis-communication oftentimes occurs, hence the axiom: “The meaning of the communication is the response you get!”

Case in point: (names changed to protect the not-so-innocent) “Host and Wife” were having a private dinner for “Couple M & W”, new-found friends of theirs. In some cultures, it’s customary to take your shoes off upon entering a home. This is the practise Host and Wife observed as children, and still today as adults.

When Couple M & W arrived they had no idea about Host and Wife’s cultural protocol. So in they came, shoes and all. On top of this, Couple M & W graciously brought with them, because it was their customary practice to do so, to demonstrate politeness and grace, a gift, theirs was a cooked meal, which happened to be meat, for Host and Wife. What Couple M & W also didn't know was that Host and Wife were strict vegetarians.

From Host and Wife’s point of view they were being insulted – from the failure of their guests to remove their shoes, and that meat entered their home.

Couple and Wife realizing the ice-cold atmosphere getting even colder by the moment sincerely and whole-heartedly apologized and made the necessary adjustments. They explained that it was not their intent to offend.

Who’s right versus who’s wrong, in an interaction, sparked by a misunderstanding, is irrelevant, Because from their point of view, and from the intent of all parties involved, all are right!

This subjective world is rich and vast. As such you can't be error proof when sending messages; but you can reduce the likelihood. If  a perceived misunderstanding arises, apologize, error correct, explain your intent and find common ground so you and the other person can move forward.

“Treat people the way you want to be treated!” is not only dumb, but a false adage that's gone unchallenged. It's akin to saying "fight fire with fire," when water quenches fire. Like a virus, the former (and latter) has infected various communication models.... “Treat people the way they want to be treated.” Thinking from this view point allows one to behave differently, whether you're the message's sender or receiver. Saying it another way...whether you are the sender or receiver, get to know the other's worldview. You will learn more about each other. And you will literally be discovering how "each other prefers to be served," so to speak!


©2014 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to:  www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

What are the eight traits successful people have in common? Watch (or listen). Be surprised how easy it is to adopt these traits in your lives.

Many business owners and managers see corporate social responsibility (CSR) as something that’s ‘nice to do’ but not really connected to growing the business and profits. Just the other day I had an experience that shows how wrong this is….

I took part in a training exercise where half the class pretended to be ‘employers’. The other half of the class pretended to be ‘potential employees.’ We (the ‘employers’) had to find a way to attract the ‘employees’ to come and work for us.

Sounds simple? Well I thought so. I was an employer offering flexible working hours, a great salary and career development. Yet my new recruits were undecided. But then I spoke about our corporate social responsibility program and they were suddenly a whole lot more enthusiastic. I signed them up.

Okay, so it was only a game. But it is a great example of how corporate social responsibility (CSR) can make all the difference to your competitive position. Initiatives such as pro bono work, philanthropy, support for community-building initiatives and environmental awareness can add significant value to your company, and if the program is well designed the benefits far outweigh the costs.

An easy way for your company to build its brand, reputation and public profile

Being socially responsible creates goodwill and a positive image for your brand. Trust and a good reputation are some of your company’s most valuable assets. In fact, without these, you wouldn’t even have a business. You can nurture these important assets by being socially responsible.

It is however, crucial that you devise the right socially responsible program for your business. When used properly, it will open up a myriad of new relationships and opportunities. Not only will your success grow, but so will your company’s culture. It will become a culture which you, your staff and the wider community genuinely believe in.

Corporate Social Responsibility attracts and retains staff

Did you know that socially responsible companies report increased employee commitment, performance and job satisfaction? Yes, it is in us all to want to do ‘good’ (and perhaps be recognised for it). Our lives become meaningful when we realise our work has made a positive difference in some way. It makes all our striving worth it. In fact, a 2003 Stanford University study found MBA graduates would sacrifice an average $US13700 cut in their salary to work for a socially responsible company.  By attracting, retaining and engaging staff, ‘doing good’ for others reduces your recruitment costs and improves work productivity. It’s just plain good all round!

Customers are attracted to socially responsible companies

Branding your business as ‘socially responsible’ differentiates you from your competitors. The Body Shop and Westpac are companies who have used this to their advantage. Developing innovative products that are environmentally or socially responsible adds value and gives people a good reason to buy from you.

Corporate Social Responsibility attracts investors

Investors and financiers are attracted to companies who are socially responsible. These decision-makers know this reflects good management and a positive reputation. Don’t underestimate this influence; it can be just as important as your company’s financial performance. In fact, it may be the deciding factor in choosing to support your company.

Corporate Social Responsibility encourages professional (and personal) growth

Your staff can develop their leadership and project management skills through a well-designed corporate social responsibility program. This may be as simple as team building exercises, encouraging your employees to form relationships with people they would not normally meet (like disadvantaged groups).

Corporate Social Responsibility helps to cut your business costs

Environmental initiatives such as recycling and conserving energy increase in-house efficiency and cut costs. Introducing a corporate social responsibility program gives you a good reason to examine and improve on your spending!

 Two important tips for you

Before you rush into your own corporate social responsibility program remember:

• You must implement your program strategically. Just giving a donation is not enough. The best corporate social responsibility programs are based on a two-way relationship with you and each of the organisations you are involved with. This allows both parties to be challenged and grow together.

• Your corporate social responsibility commitments should be in line with the values of your company, customers and staff. Most importantly, they must be based on a genuine concern for people and the community. You do not want the program to back-fire; making you seem hypocritical. A poor strategy will cause people to become cynical and distrustful of your company.

But all in all, corporate social responsibility makes financial sense, adds meaning to your work and makes everyone feel good!

 So what should you do next?

It is a highly competitive world out there. If you want people to buy from you, work for you and invest in you – look seriously at corporate social responsibility.


With over 25 years as the co-owner of a successful engineering business combined with a background in leadership development and education, Dianne Taylor brings a wealth of experience to her clients. Dianne’s practical experience is supported by qualifications in coaching, training, business and human resource management. She is a former lecturer in Leadership at Monash University and serves as a Director on several Boards. She can be contacted at [email protected]

Ethan Hunt’s mission (Tom Cruise- Mission Impossible 4), that he’s already accepted, is to pacify a diabolical master-mind bent on starting World War III is. To do this, Ethan needs access to the highly-secured server room nestled within the world’s tallest building, the Burj Kahlifa All “safe” options to enter this room are useless. The last available course of action is a ‘take or leave it option’ – entering from the outside… And off he goes, in Ethan Hunt fashion, scaling the building, unaided by a harness – but by futuristic suction-gloves.

A glove malfunctions, leaving Ethan dangling 3,000 feet from death. Oh, did I mention that a skin-stripping sandstorm is just off the horizon, gunning directly towards him? I would say Ethan Hunt has a – “problem”….

Whether in the cinematic world or in this “real” one, when wishful expectations fail to match what actually occurs in reality, that’s when we realize a problem exists. But, truth be told, the problem isn't usually the problem; it’s how we deal with it. This is key.

We all have reflexive responses for dealing with common situations which arise. Some work well, others don’t; the interesting thing is, we continue to employ tactics we know are useless, like ignoring, making excuses, blaming others for a problem, etc. and keep getting the same empty results. It’s like beating one’s head against the wall – stop!

Recognizing that a problem exists also presupposes that a solution is present, though hidden – temporarily. Albert Einstein famously said, “…The significant problems we face today cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them!...” In other words, if we are to unearth solutions for what we perceive to be an existing issue of concern, then a revolutionary perspective, a new way of thinking needs to be exercised.

We can start by first defining what the problem is. This requires several things: One, we take some responsibility for the issue at hand. Simply put, what was your role in making the problem exist? What did or didn’t you do? For example, your consistent cell-phone usage while driving consistently gets you pulled over by a police-officer who routinely gives you a ticket. Blaming or arguing with the officer does not solve the issue. Taking some responsibility for the act offers you a new vantage point from which you can *see solutions for your problem.

Second, focus on solutions. Visualize the outcome; ask solutions-based questions, instead of riveting your attention on the problem, thus feeding it unnecessary energy. Adding to the example above, instead of the driver paying attention to the anger and frustration triggered by receiving the ticket, he/she can focus on safe driving, and ask solution-based questions such as, “How can I eliminate getting tickets and drive safely on the road?” (Can you construct additional creative solutions-based questions?)

Third, we've either said these words, or have heard someone say them, “I need to get some space, some distance from the problem!” A hidden power resides in this statement. However you do it, physically or mentally, putting distance between you and the scenario in question shifts your state of mind and perspective, thus helping you to find creative solutions.

Adopting useful beliefs are also important when searching for creative solutions. Beliefs aren't “wrong or right,” per se; they are just useful, because they act as discriminating doorways, halting incompatible thoughts, ideas, and behaviors from entering one’s mind-space. Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) contains many useful beliefs that can be applied to solutions-based thinking.

Some of the following are:

• Failure versus Feedback
  

We've all seen movies where the hero fires a heat-seeking missile at the villain. But the agile villain constantly dodges it, causing the missile to fail in connecting with its target. But the missile, as if it has a mind of its own - self- corrects - and gets back on its aggressive course…and does connect with its target. Failure versus feedback can be likened to this missile. Instead of calling your results, a failure, think of them as - feedback. It’s this information feedback you use to re-calibrate, so that when you get back on course, you’re armed with additional data on how to navigate, the best way to get things done, so you accomplish your goal.

•  Humans Have the Resources to Affect Change
  

Most of us have become accustomed to doing things a certain way. This oftentimes can lead us to believe that no other approaches exist to get the same task done, and that problems are bound to occur when this singular tactic can no longer be used. As previously stated, beliefs are neither wrong nor right, but useful.

Finding ourselves in a pinch is no excuse for staying there. Adopting the belief that we have the ability and power to influence our outcome is a good step in the right direction. For example, Ethan Hunt, after having gained access to the server-room, now must urgently get back to his team – asap! However, from the looks of things, he’s in some serious trouble:… Both of his futuristic climbing gloves (the only climbing gear he has) are destroyed, he’s several-thousand feet up, a dreaded sand-storm is minutes away, and he can’t use the elevators. What’s he to do?

If action reveals character, then it’s clear from witnessing Ethan Hunt’s previous exploits that he possesses certain abilities: He has the mental prowess to push aside fears; he can prioritise, focus and he’s always committed to a cause. These qualities are what Ethan accesses and utilizes…Ethan Hunt straps himself to on one end of a fire-hose, throws the other end out the window and races down the side of the building, … escaping, without the use of magical powers, but by taking advantage of resources that are already within him.

Like Ethan, we, too, can utilize the built-in resources unique to each of us, and also what's within our control to discover solutions. Examples of people doing such things, refusing let their circumstances limit or imprison them, are abundant.



©2014 John G. Johnson All rights reserved! Subscribe to our mailing list for workshops, newsletters and events. Go to:  www.nlpsuccessbydesign.com

As you are listening to celebrated author Chimananda Ngoze Adiche’s TED Talk, keep the following in mind: –
“The 'Power' of a single Story” and the impact is has on point of view."

The stories we are exposed to, and the ones we tell ourselves, help to frame and shape our self-perception, and how we experience the world we live in.